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“He always told me it was my fault he hit me” – Ese Walter Ark shares her Domestic Violence Experience & How She grew to Forgive Him

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Ese Walter ArkWriter and radio personality Ese Walter Ark shared a touching story on her Facebook page yesterday.

The mum of one talked about how she was once a victim of domestic violence when she was 18-years old and how the situation almost made her lose her eyesight. She says that she was recently reflecting on that chapter in her life and she realized that she had let go of past hurt and pain.

Read her post below.

I was 18 years old the first time a guy hit me. He was my first real boyfriend and he always told me it was my fault he hit me.

He lied a lot to me and hated confrontations. He suspected me every time of trying to leave him and date someone else. He wanted to know if I loved him more than my best friend. He had a temper so sometimes one loose statement could earn me a slap. Then there are times he was high from drinking a whole bottle of benylyn, I had to watch my tongue and steps else I’d smell my arse.

The first time he hit me he hurt my eye. He had this ring on and kept slapping me with his back and fore hand. I thought he spoilt something in the eye. I started seeing lights from the corner of my eye. Even when it was a completely dark room I’d see lights flash from the corner of my eye. Because he didn’t let me go to the school hospital for fear that he might be expelled I managed the situation until one day it stopped.

Many months after University I had that flash by the corner of my eye experience and fear gripped me. We had not spoken to each other in a long time but the incident reminded me of the fear I had to endure through that relationship. I was suddenly that teenager who was frightened of the person she was supposed to be loving.

I never involved myself in domestic violence talks. The pain was too raw and it always came rushing in anytime I heard a woman was beaten by the one who was supposed to love her.

I watched the movie “Diary of a mad black woman” about 50 times because finally this woman was getting back at her man for beating her. The first time I watched the movie I almost entered the computer. I was so mad to see the first scene where he was beating her.

Today I was having a bath and I had that same flash at the corner of my eye. I paused for a few minutes and noticed I didn’t have anger bubble up in my belly for him. The only thought I had was, “I should probably check this eye out with an optometrist”

I realized I have released those old feelings and hurt. I have forgiven the teenager for not knowing better and I have given up any hopes that the past could have been different. I think I also see how that served me. All my years of dating, even when I wasn’t sure what my ‘spec’ was or if I liked someone enough, any sign of beating or violence was the end of the relationship. Not because I was scared someone could hurt me again but because I knew I was going to kill anyone who lay a hand on me and I didn’t have plans of spending my life in jail.

It feels now like I am talking about another person when I think of the beatings my teenage self-received. I probably am.

If you are reading this and are currently experiencing violence in your relationship please don’t ask me what to do. I am not born again, my advice will definitely put you in jail.

I just wanted to share a piece of my experience.

I hope everyone had a restful holiday?

Arksville did.

Sending you love and light.

Namaste

40 Comments

  1. Prince

    October 4, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    She don come again. This girt and attention. Tufiakwa

    • FasholasLover

      October 4, 2016 at 12:43 pm

      Haba @Prince. This your comment ain’t right. We can never have enough people talk about violence in relationships. There are millions of people looking out to read how others managed violent relationships and how they got out of such situations. I commend Ese for sharing considering how battered women and men shy away from telling their story.

      I was a fiery teenager and dem no born the guy well that woulda laid a hand on me. God must love me ‘cos, l never rolled in such circles. If l did, either someone would have died or l woulda ended up in jail for grievous bodily harm. My mum did an excellent job and instilled in us her children right from the get go that no one has a right to lay a finger on us and vice versa. This she did whenever she gave the sex talks. My brothers were part of the conversations too. I hope to do same with my children God willing.

    • mz_danielz

      October 4, 2016 at 1:21 pm

      My darling, I’m glad you never faced any form of abuse but after passing through my teen years, I say one things ‘it is the lord’s mercy we are not consumed.’ I have never been in a physically abusive relationship but in a emotionally abusive one. The relationship was less than a year and the abuse at the latter part but it took me a while to find myself even though I come from an extraordinary family, The aftermath of that relationship, the hurt and emotional turmoil taught my family how to pray.

      Like you said, we can never talk about abuse enough and Ese, please check that eye.

    • Prince

      October 4, 2016 at 4:05 pm

      My dear, this babe right here just want to be relevant by all means and Bellanaija knows that. Who knows Ese before. Forget this aristo jor. We know their type. No be the same Abuja we dey.

    • Urerime

      October 4, 2016 at 1:39 pm

      Prince you should be ashamed of yourself for that comment. people like you are the reason women have suffered so much violence in this country and keep silent. if a woman is assaulted physically or sexually she is expected not to talk about it. if a woman makes a mistake she is expected not to talk about it. Ese is a human being like every one of us. she has made regrettable past mistakes like the rest of us the only difference is she shared hers and others are taking theirs to the grave, that doesnt make her an attention seeker. there are thousands of pple who have found themselves in the position she did without knowing how to get out. she got out the only way she knew how. let it rest!!!!!!

      P.s Attention seeking does not pay bills plus you had the option of ignoring the post.

    • Prince

      October 4, 2016 at 4:00 pm

      If you’re not crazy you wont tell me such nonsense. I’m i not entitle to my opinion. Can’t you just shut the gutter you call mouth and make your own comment. Oponu arindi

    • EE

      October 4, 2016 at 4:28 pm

      WRONG!!! The reason so many women suffer “so much violence” is because people like you urge them “to speak up to the blogs”, rather than I dunno fight back or you know even better take advantage of the laws of the land and press charges.

      Please if you are assaulted and you can’t fight back, don’t have people willing to fight for you or can’t buy them, please, please find the nearest police station, drag an NGO there if necessary and demand your rights until the idiot is arrested, don’t go attention-seeking on the blogs!

    • Celeste

      October 4, 2016 at 3:34 pm

      I’m with Prince on this one.

      Reason: She ended her story unreasonably; she herself took the delicacy, seriousness and the right tone off her story.

      I would have felt different about her story if ended it by offering valuable advice and words of encouragement to victims of domestic violence and abuse. Saying her own advice will land you in jail is senseless to me. Mind you, the guy she is talking about here was a teenager as she was, and we all know how it is with teenagers, boys and girls alike: they are growing – experimenting and learning in the process. The boy MAY have turned out a perfect gentleman. I would have felt different about the guy talked about here, if he was a grown man. So yes, she craves attention.

      Experienced persons advise, and I certainly agree, that its best to date when one is mature. I honestly think teenagers have no business with dating. They have a lot to focus on – education, discovering their purpose, potentials and having a clear direction for their lives, laying foundation and planning a career with help from their parents, mentors and teacher, and lot more. Young people are so inexperienced that they make lots of mistake because they are naïve about them; yes, there is a level of maturity, sense and wisdom that come with age. So we should teach and direct our children rightly, and with prayers and God on our side, they won’t make wrong choices that could have grave/damaging consequences to their lives. Just imagine, if she lost the use of her eyes to teenage infatuation.

    • Love

      October 4, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Hi Celeste….Are you saying it’s ok for teenagers to be abusive or be in abusive relationships? Or better still that they aren’t accountable for their actions??? To me you sound like you’re saying “it’s ok and not worth talking about if they are or were teenagers.” That shouldn’t at all be the doctrine or mentality we should be putting out there. We grow into habits(good or bad) when we nourish them and they eventually become who we are.

    • emmy

      October 4, 2016 at 8:29 pm

      When your teenage daughter comes to tell you her ‘object of infatuation’ beats her black and blue, you can tell her “he will turn out to be a perfect gentleman, he is just experimenting.”

      Rubbish.

    • Celeste

      October 6, 2016 at 4:25 pm

      @Love and emmy
      Its either or both of these. 1. You didn’t read my comment well. 2. You read it but comprehended not. I never said any of which you both hastily came to reply underneath my comment.

      And yes, I said would have a different view if the guy in question here was a grown man. But he was a teenager too, it doesn’t make it okay, but youngsters make mistakes and are easily influenced by negative ills in the society – that is why they are young people and that is why I insist teenagers have no business with relationship; they can’t manage nor control their feeling, especially regarding sexual intimacy. You two are defensive probably because you both started dating as teenagers or even as kids, but take it or leave it, maturity in relationship is of essence!

      There are countless of young people that made poor choices like drugs, violence, name them, but were remorseful and repented of them as they grew. Barack Obama smoked pot but he became the president. His daughter was caught on camera smoking what was suspected to be marijuana. Did you condemn her? Well, if you did, I didn’t. Because I know she is young and believe with better parental guidance she will make better choice. If Saul turned Paul converted, who are you to say the young man here isn’t a better person now?

    • Celeste

      October 4, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      BN where is my comment? I didn’t use any foul/abusive language, but you swallowed it. I see comments posted after mine, but you haven’t posted mine because you know there is a truth in what Prince said, which I shed more light into. You were so quick to post Prince comment because it will garner you sympathy comment traffic. And when the traffic is over, you will now post mine. Business is good, well done!

  2. Meah

    October 4, 2016 at 12:43 pm

    I feel for her husband sha

    • Shalewa

      October 4, 2016 at 11:38 pm

      In faaaaaact

  3. anonymous

    October 4, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    No, she has not “come again” We are mostly our life experiences. I was abused by my first boyfriend at age 19 as well and I couldn’t report him cos I didn’t want him repatriated. I was damaged for years….low self-esteem and stuffs….10 years down the line I am unable to love totally cos the guy who deflowered me abused me.

    • EE

      October 4, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      SMH. You’re an enabler!! “Didn’t want him repatriated”. I sure hope he found Christ, because if he carried on his abusive ways, you helped it grow.

      You were even in obodo oyibo, no buh Nigeria is sexist defense, still………………

    • slice

      October 4, 2016 at 5:56 pm

      Smh at you. You do understand the turmoil ladies go through with reporting a guy abroad. His whole family and yours to sef will blame you. You will think youre the one that hit him

    • EE

      October 4, 2016 at 11:42 pm

      @Slice, another enabler. What should be her concern, his family’s feelings or reporting a crime???

      Seriously what is the difference between this and “ohh stay with him he won’t hit you again”. I pray you people aren’t raising your daughters with this mindset. Think it through, you…..are…….defending………..male-on-female violence. Take a deep breath and think it through.

  4. oo

    October 4, 2016 at 1:50 pm

    Abeg spare the lady. She is speaking out and thank God for social media which has allowed a lot of us speak out, anonymously or otherwise.
    Why carry such hurt in your soul and then lash out to innocent parties? A lot of us have suffered abuse, especially emotional and physical abuse, from parents, partners, siblings, uncles, aunts etc.
    Speaking out is a way of solving the problems. Ask guys who were abused by their aunties/househelps or girls who were touched inappropriately by the gateman/houseboy/cousin/uncles especially etc. The stats are shocking but no one speaks out. Give this a medium to which people share their own experiences and it will shock u the scale of this problem.

  5. AceOfSpade

    October 4, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    Domestic Violence is bad. No man or woman should abuse any woman or man. I read a story sometime about two girls that beat up a guy and the Internet was having fun of it and I’m here like ‘it’s ok o’

  6. Lole Lewis

    October 4, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    Flashes of light are a symptom of retinal tears (or detachment). She needs to see an ophthalmologist ASAP especially since it’s as a result of trauma. She could lose her sight in that eye permanently. Please get it checked out.

  7. RIFF RAFF

    October 4, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    I hope this woman has eventually learned to love her husband truly. Living with someone who’s been damaged emotionally is not easy….
    Why do i have the impression she is gradually dabbling into New Age?

    • Naijatalk

      October 4, 2016 at 7:41 pm

      Yeah, me thinks the same. Love and light? Namaste?

  8. No name

    October 4, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    I still remember that her boyfriend back in okada those days and I always wondered what a beautiful girl like Ese was doing with him. She always went back, got more beatings until the love or whatever it was cleared from her eyes and they broke up finally. I thank God she can speak out today. That guy back then was something else. Can’t get all the stories of him beating her off my head.

  9. californiabawlar

    October 4, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    Omo this babe don see wehn for man matter!!
    Only she one, so many stories that touch. Olagbara. I pray she has a easy ride going forward…it seems she has married well.

    • slice

      October 4, 2016 at 6:00 pm

      Lol only she one

  10. Jaygirl

    October 4, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    Domestic violence is a terrible thing and can affect a person’s self esteem years and years after its occurence.

    Meanwhile 2016….still no #robustreply !

  11. Caramel Chic

    October 4, 2016 at 3:41 pm

    @Ese I pray you read my message

    You, my girl are what me and my friends would call a bad ass woman!!!!!! You better keep on sharing and telling your story until it annoys and irritates every danm NigerIan person. Ese if I hear one more time you got scared and was too embarrassed to tell your story. I will come and hunt and find you. Our culture is the epitome of pretence and lies. We are first class pretenders and that epidemic continues to haunt and emancipate the generation below us who are to arise and supposedly live healthy lies. Oprah winfrey was abused and told her story Maya Angelou was raped at age 7 and told their story….you over come girl and don’t let no one take that away from you. Some of us are children to parents who have held in years of abuse and pain. For one benefit? Hopefully one of your stories will remind a parent about not neglecting their children (young or old). You are what NigerIan Independence represents! Women no longer hiding their stories

    • EE

      October 4, 2016 at 4:33 pm

      P.S tell your story to the appropriate authorities. Help our institutions grow!

  12. jide

    October 4, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    Ese talks too much.

    • Nerve

      October 4, 2016 at 4:43 pm

      l pray it doesnt happen to you. If and when it does, pls. keep quiet. Enable your abuser to go scott free and continue abusibg. Ode.

    • Manny

      October 4, 2016 at 4:45 pm

      Is it not Bellanaija that goes to her page to copy her stuff.

  13. hadiza

    October 4, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    When I say men are worthless, they call me bitter and hurt. You see, men are nothing but abusers n cheaters. Girl, I don’t pity u one bit. the first time he hit u, u should have ended that relationship, by staying with him, u got what u wanted, more beatings.

    • Caramel Chic

      October 4, 2016 at 9:26 pm

      If men are worthless what about the women who raised them for 20 plus years??….

  14. hadiza

    October 4, 2016 at 5:33 pm

    And for the love of God. Women, stop keeping quiet. Report these beasts to the NGOs if u aren’t sure of the police. Most NGOs are seriously helping women fight these men. Stop giving us motivational speeches and do something about us. Don’t come here to preach forgiveness. Preach prosecution. These men should be locked up and imprisoned for good. Women, stop talking, start taking action. Action speaks louder than words. good day.

  15. francis onyear

    October 4, 2016 at 5:41 pm

    how do i post my news?

  16. Lou

    October 4, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    @ California brawler, I must say i was surprised at your insensitivity, But No you didn’t say anything wrong.

    • californiabawlar

      October 4, 2016 at 6:52 pm

      My apologies if I came across insensitive. I just find it fascinating that a lot of ladies have had to deal with so much man-related problems (avoidable or not) within such a short lifespan…especially since I’m a woman myself. It makes me scared to even want to have a female child.

  17. Jamce

    October 5, 2016 at 6:11 am

    Parents must instil confidence in their children so that they do not become “emotional dependants” or “emotional clingers” who think that someone is dating them as a favour.

    We often talk about sex education for teenagers more because of pregnancies and abortion rather than to prepare them to be mature before dabbling into sexual activities. How often do we teach children and teenagers about the emotional pitfalls of romantic dating and sex to prepare them against seductive and abusive wolves?

    Did Ese really learn her lessons from her early teenage abuse? NO. I believe she suffers from self inflicted emotional weakness of adoring or idolizing “power men”. From the teenage boyfriend who was domineering and the COZA (#robustreply) pastor who also “abused” her, the pattern seems to be the same.. The same reason she is unable to love her “loving husband” who is not a “power” or “domineering” man to her taste.

    She cannot claim to have been taken advantage of by Pastor RobustReply, as she knew the game she and other young ladies were competing to be pastor’s main side chicks. It’s the trend in most of these “feel-good motivational churches” set up by the pastorpreneurs. Perhaps, she lost her position like Jubrin of House of Reps and decided to pull down the roof of immortality.

    I dare to say that Ese’s case is more of a dysfunctional personality seeking relevance or identity and not finding it.

  18. George

    October 6, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    This Ese again. After sleeping with all the men in IUO, you now graduated to a Pastor you all were competing to sleep with. That wasn’t enough, u still dragged Benny into the mess by acting as an agent of breakup to his engagement to that Etisalat babe. Continue to inspire Nigerians with ur writeups ehn. Welldone

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