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“I am not bitter, simply getting better!” BellaNaijarian Adeanon Shares Her Story of “Staying for the Children” & Leaving for Their Wellbeing

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Photo credit: © Mrslevite | Dreamstime.com - <a href="https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photo-young-woman-image2619900#res7893326">Young Woman Photo</a>This comment was left under another BellaNaija post today, and readers have asked that we make it a separate post for the benefit of others.

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Too many of us ‘stayed’ for the children. Until my 13-year-old daughter asked me – “How can you continue to let him treat you like this?” And I wept that it took the same children I am so called staying for to let me get a brain reset. The story is long, but elements in most of these problem marriages are the same. Infidelity, emotional abuse, financial abuse etc. The one to the last ‘straw’ was me going out to fetch the post one morning in my pyjamas and he closed the door and left me outside for 3 hours. No phone, no house keys, neigbours gone to work. Rural area no bus. 3 hours in freezing winter, whilst my I was on my period.. 3 hours whilst he was Skyping his mistress and looking at me through the bay windows letting me know what he was doing. As I soaked my tampon and stained my PJ bottoms and blood started to pool in the snow, I KNEW I had to get out. But I didn’t.

I let my daughter witness more than 1 year of him giving me the complete silent treatment after that till she could take it no more and asked me that question.

So now 6 months after I left him, I am glowing. I have peace of mind. The kids are adjusting. He stopped paying tuition for the children because he ordered me by email to move back within 48 hours, but God has provided in uncountable ways. I am not sleeping with anyone (his greatest insecurity). I filed for D [divorce], now he’s saying he doesn’t want one. I can’t wait to sign those papers and drop his name.

I am not bitter, simply getting better!

***

Photo Credit: © Mrslevite | Dreamstime.com – Woman Photo ***this photo is used for illustrative purposes only***

186 Comments

  1. UNCLE GWE GWE GWE

    August 22, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    The only pain a woman should take is the pain of sweet sex, no woman deserves to cry and live In misery.

    • FasholasLover

      August 22, 2016 at 10:58 pm

      Totally agree. Not for the children. Never! A lot of women hide behind the children when in actual fact, the children either end up having a warped sense of right and wrong or totally hate you for being so weak. I know it is in the nature of women to want to stay and “protect” the children but, when is enough really enough? Stay for YOU lest you also begin to think the children ungrateful when they finally grow up and leave you behind becos, leave they will.

      Congratulations you for leaving at last. The bet revenge when you leave an abusive and humiliating situation is to better yourself and be the best version of you that you can ever be. Good Luck in this new phase of your life.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:45 am

      Thank you . It’s the most difficult decision I had ever made. Didn’t want the single black mother narrative for my children. It’s tough enough here.
      After a few initial rough weeks, my son has settled. Play dates have resumed, he’s back to being cheeky happy go lucky. Agreed to go to summer camp. Daughter has just gone with the flow. She said she’s relieved we left. That it hurt her to see him treat me like that. She too is living life, telling me she’s working hard for scholarship to Yale – close enough to home to eat jollof rice at weekends! So you see you are right.kids will move on.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:48 am

      Lol! The sex was good tbh. But not good enough to balance out all the craziness! Thank you x

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 23, 2016 at 11:00 am

      A lot of people really and truly don’t understand how dark and deep abuse can get in a marriage… until we read stories such as your own.

      God bless you for sharing this Adeanon. There will be many women (I can’t doubt that) who may relate but have always lacked any boldness to take a decision that puts them and their children’s wellbeing first. I truly pray that what you’ve shared will open a door of self-awareness for others.

      Plus, really glad to hear your little one and teenager are now adjusting to life in the aftermath. Kai!!! Nne, I still can’t believe what I’ve just read. May God preserve your (much brighter!) future with joy, peace, provision and true fulfilment of life. xx

  2. teee

    August 22, 2016 at 10:32 pm

    This thing called marriage. It’s the grace of God. And not for better for worse. Drop him and get yo life together. Happiness and peace of mind can’t be bought with all the money in the world.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:39 am

      Thanks teee. You are so right. Not that I was seeing the money anyways. Last thing he bought me was iPad 1st generation. I am getting my life together, lines are fallen for me into pleasant places!

    • kaybellz

      August 23, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      Well said.
      Reminds me of an older, handsome grad student from a well to do family I met while I was in med school. He toasted me forever, drove a fancy car, tried to give the most extravagant gifts, my friends thought he was da bomb but I wasn’t sure about him until he said, ‘Abby, you can be perfect, but only if you let me mould you’! I still shudder when I remember how close I came.
      I ran for my life. Who are you, to mould me again, after God JEHOVA has made me wonderfully and awesomely? Even if I think my hips are a tad too wide, smile to toothy and forehead too small, lol.
      Now, I’m married to my soulmate, who takes me as I am, knows I talk too much, laugh too much and can’t get enough of me. 15 yrs and going strong. Of course it’s not all smooth sailing, we fight, but he always does egbon for me. Then he will point out where I’m wrong and I’ll see reason. He is usually right because he’s level headed and rational, me: hot headed and emotional. He’s the salt of the earth compared to my pepperish ways.
      Sorry, I just got a little carried away describing my husband. Please bear with me.

  3. Pretty girl

    August 22, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    Nne thank God u have left him. I am happy for you

  4. Someone Naughty

    August 22, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    I am thankful for your life and thankful to God that you left. For this one incident alone, your husband is evil. People think witchcraft is only when jazz/juju or incantations are used against you, no my dears, this is witchcraft. Wickedness and manipulation of this nature is witchcraft.

    I celebrate your freedom with you and don’t worry, what you endured for your children was not in vain, they will take care of you and by His grace you will truly love again.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:46 am

      Thank you. Your words are uplifting x

  5. Wunmi

    August 22, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    Congrats on u leaving him.The worst fear of every married woman in an abusive relationship is how she’ll survive on her own with kids.The fear alone can make u endure d worst of the worst form of abuse.No woman deserves to be treated horridly.May God continue to be with u and d kids.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:46 am

      Thank you Wunmi.

    • Halle

      August 23, 2016 at 9:34 am

      Hello Adeanon

      I am available to listen anytime! call me, disturb me, anything….
      My heart bleeds for women… Please do not go through this alone
      If only we knew how much power we have!
      It is well….
      #teamfemalesupport #superwomen

  6. xplorenollywood.com

    August 22, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    Thanks for this BN and I am truly happy for you dear. There are quiet a number of us that are single, hoping and praying that we find the right man to walk down the aisle with. I believe as against been scared, we should be wise and learn from them. I know the business saying is, I got where I am by climbing on the shoulders of others, I believe as a collective community we can work toward and make the institution great again! ☺☺☺☺☺! It is well with you and your children.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:56 am

      Thank you. Marriage the way God intended it is beautiful. Mine didn’t work and Is not representative of the love of Christ. I’ve learnt a lot as well. Managing conflict. Installing boundaries. He said I didn’t respect him enough and I always ignored that, because I did. What I could have done is look at the ways he wanted me to show him respect – get up to greet him, fetch him food at parties etc . It could have helped.

      Then we used the silent treatment a LOT. He would be mad at a small thing, ignore me, I’d move into guest room until he would come in there and we’d have sex , not discuss the issues and restart the cycle. I asked for counselling he said its a waste of money. I asked him to stop the silent treatment and he saw it hurt so guess what he did it even more.

      Despite all this , I did not deserve any of the things he did. I know that now.

    • Bimbo

      August 23, 2016 at 9:49 am

      I’m sorry, why should you get up when you greet him? He isn’t your dad? Really happy for you and the kids. Just know everything will be fine.

  7. Selfless

    August 22, 2016 at 10:58 pm

    Hmmm BN this is not her story, just excerpts from the comments she left..

  8. Bey

    August 22, 2016 at 11:14 pm

    Hmmmmmm
    I had a relative/neighbour who was abused by her husband emotionally, physically and financially. Mind u she was d main bread winner. And it was even d husband I’m related to. I use to go to school wit d kids so I wld cross over there to get a ride with them.
    One early morning I was abt 8 I got dere found her sitting on d stairs in d compound in her suit from d nite b4. She was blood stained and d man had locked her out all nite. She was bruised.
    This wasn’t d 1st time he abused her, even in front of d kids. But dis was d worst. I was shocked when I saw d blood, d bruises, d blood shot eyes, d black eye, d torn shirt. And she slept outside. My God
    She asked for my grandma who lived with us, I guess to report him once again. For d uptight time.
    This was her breaking point from all d beatings, his alcoholism……….. Soon after she moved out with her kids n packed everything in d home. Which was hers Nways. D family still kept Intouch 1nce in a while to ask abt her n kids. Everyone even d mans siblings was glad she left.
    This was over 20yrs ago dis happened.
    Went to a family function and was shocked to see them back together again. I was shockedddddd
    20 odd yrs after they are actually back together.
    They have grown kids with one married. D use of d reconciliation with both in late 50s.
    I hope d man has changed.
    Do abusers really change ???

    • Ami

      August 23, 2016 at 11:23 am

      If he was alcoholic, then there is a possibility that the alcohol might have contributed to d misbehavior n if he has stop drinking which is possible then yes he might be able to change. My 2 cents.

  9. Susie

    August 22, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    I have always said that it is a very bad idea for our society to encourage women to stay in marriages where they are beaten by their husbands, cheated on, maltreated etc “because of the children’. Staying in a bad marriage teaches your sons that it is ok to treat women badly afternall, they will always stay & it teaches your daughters to accept men who will treat them shabbily. Many adults walking around today do not know what a healthy relationship looks like because their mothers stayed so their only experience of a relationship is a painful one. There are many around who think ‘all men are cheats’ or that all relationships must be filled with heartache. Equally many men walking around thinking that cheating, beating your wife, misbehaving in a marriage etc is a ‘man’s thing’ since that was what they saw their dads do growing up. It’s time for us to break that cycle

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:35 am

      Susie, you are spot on. That is exactly what he saw growing up. He hated his father for having multiple mistresses. He hated him for throwing out his mothers belongings many times until catholic priests come to beg. Who knows he probably hated his mother for not leaving. She died of C but everyone says it was of a broken heart.

      When I left, his sisters who are wonderful cried with me. They said we know why you had to leave. God will restore to you all the years. They gifted me furniture.

      He only told them a week after I left. I guess he needed a week to get story straight. He said I damaged him, he cried and he’s not himself. That it was a difficult time and if I got in touch they should encourage me to come back for his health sake ( high BP) and for the children – that he didn’t want them to be from a broken home. The more outspoken one said she told him – it won’t be well with you ! The other one simply said you told us not to intervene before that she was manipulating us, so sorry we can’t. It is well. ( a statement he HATES :-).

    • good girl

      August 23, 2016 at 11:51 am

      hmm ……my heart is heavy ..ive seen this over and over and adeanon has just properly articulated the situation and the pain …thank you..should we try and discuss the root cause of all this dysfunctional men and maybe a psychologist will help break it down and give us solutions

    • mina

      August 23, 2016 at 8:50 am

      You have said it all. This is a fact.

  10. adeanon

    August 22, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    Thank you BN for sharing an excerpt of my story. I wanted to clarify that I don’t think this is representative of all marriages. All of my siblings as are my parents are in healthy thriving marriages. I just married a narcissist and I had poor boundaries. I let the situation deteriorate because I truly wanted happily ever after and he saw that desperation in me.. My marriage was my god and in a way I feel I had to lose it.
    It took me 2.5 years after he started dating his mistress to leave him. I had done the whole pray at midnight, be submissive, cook for him, sleep with him to no avail. then I had to shore up savings, then I wanted to wait till my son finished elementary school, – always an excuse. Even after the incident above, I stayed in the house another year. Another year of complete silence, with all sorts of punishments (throwing all my clothes into a damp bath, sprinkling coke zero on me whilst asleep because I left the unfinished can on the dresser etc)

    A week after I moved I realised I hadn’t watched TV since his affair. Yupin 2.5 years I didnt know what cable channels showed what. I discovered Empire! Power, House of Cards!He didnt forbid me to watch TV, but I didnt have the courage to go into the den where he always was on skype. If he came home and found me watching tv, he would just change the channels.
    The story is long, but I guess what I am trying to say is don’t settle like I did. Put your foot down when it starts. Be financially independent( thank God i never quit my job despite his pressure),

    And for context, he didn’t rescue me from ‘poverty’. Not that that shoudl have given him the liberty to do all this anyways.We met in the US as international students. My parents paid 100% for my tuition.

    • NotANutellaLover

      August 23, 2016 at 5:51 am

      My heart is hurting real bad for you, see the evil in someone’s heart. Towards someone he swore to love and protect. My heart broke again and again while reading your replies. Adeanon, I am so sorry you went through this. I am so sorry to know that this has been your life for sometime. Now, I am standing to applaud you for taking charge of your life. No woman deserves to be treated like that, I applaud you for taking a stand and saying to hell with all that. You my dear are a QUEEN. God will keep you, His Hand will be upon you and your kids. Favour and joy will never be far from you. For every sorrow and tear, God will double it with rejoicing and dancing. Continue to shine and bask in His Grace, beautiful lady!

    • Ninny

      August 23, 2016 at 2:41 pm

      O M G!!!

  11. Darius

    August 22, 2016 at 11:39 pm

    Reading this post brought tears to my eyes. I want to believe this story but I’m afraid it is devoid of credence. It sounds far-fetched. Can a man be this cruel to the mother of his children? A woman he vowed to love, cherish and honour before God? She went to fetch the post and he locked her outside for three hours? Why do I find it so damn hard believing this story. It’s a touching story. One of those stories told to evoke public sympathy. If this story is actually true, a woman would be doing herself a disservice if she allows a man to trample on her rights and dignity and debase her like this for too long. Once in a while, some people suffer the misfortune of getting married to an abusive spouse. The greatest misfortune however, is staying in a loveless and abusive marriage and trying to make it work when you should be taking a walk.

    • adeanon

      August 22, 2016 at 11:46 pm

      It is comments like this that stop people from speaking out. Why would I make any of this up? Of what benefit? Please don’t discredit my story,my pain. I don’t know why I stayed that long either, but thank God for liberty

    • FasholasLover

      August 23, 2016 at 12:08 am

      You should not have bothered responding @Adeanon. You do not have to convince anyone to believe. This is an anonymous post. As far as this post is concerned, only you and your decision matter. Our opinions do not count. Congratulations once again. You write so well.

    • ATL's finest

      August 23, 2016 at 12:39 am

      Adeanon darlyn. Silence is Golden & boom I’m with U on getting out. And in my Usher’s voice, you are ready to sign those papers. He ain’t got a chocie than to sign too. U did a great JOB & guess what?? Life just GOT BETTER for U hun..you’re the real MVP???.

    • Red

      August 23, 2016 at 6:16 am

      Sweetie. My heart aches for you and the years spent with your ex. Meanwhile, please ignore posts/comments from people like Darius. These are the types that will see a murdered person and still blame said person for their death. Mtchewwww.

    • Onyie

      August 23, 2016 at 12:06 am

      You are an idiot for making this comment.

    • Unknown...

      August 23, 2016 at 12:28 am

      Wow. I am confused as to why you would make this comment. I understand it’s hard to believe but doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I was once a Thomas too (though not to the point of discrediting anyone), until my very close friend endured this from her boyfriend. Some people are stronger than others, bc this said friend endured all kinds of things from her boyfriend, I cautioned and advised her to leave him but she wouldn’t. She went through similar things @adeanon went through but the difference is they weren’t married neither did they have kids together. The guy went as far as calling us her friends and telling us he didn’t love her, that we should tell her to leave him alone. when we confront her with the news, she would make all kinds of excuses for him. At some point I gave up. Guess what, when I did the worst happened. He started cheating on her in the open, glaringly for her to see. I don’t know what dislodged from my friend’s brain but her way of dealing with this guy was to arrange for thugs to tie him n his mistress up in his apartment after an ambush. They beat them messlessly, then she showed up n stabbed him n burned his crotch with a hot iron. She quickly called the police when she regained consciousness of herself, and it’s their timeliness that stopped the idiot from dying. Now my dear friend who had all kinds of prospects for her future, success and all is languishing in jail while the idiot is out free to torture the next person. I am glad she didn’t kill him bc it would have meant she would be in jail forever but at the same time, I don’t feel bad for this boy, bc he deserved it. It’s just unfortunate that my friend had to endure all that to the point of snapping and going to such a dark place. And like adeanon , she was from a good home, while this guy was doing this rubbish, she had plenty other suitors but for the life of me, I don’t know why she didn’t leave. So the only thing I can say is she she wasn’t brave or maybe she kept hoping it will get better. So it’s not fake, these things actually happen.

      On a different day, at a different. Maybe I’ll share what I saw my mom experience growing up. As recently as four years ago, I asked my mom why she is still with this man bc we are all adults since she had told me when I was 13 too that she didn’t want to leave us so young after I asked her the same question. In her defense, since that time the old man has been a LOT better. I love my father to shreds bc he has been an amazing dad to me n my siblings, couldn’t have asked for a better father and dad but as a husband, he was HORRIBLE. I am almost 30 and when I say I have never been in a meaningful relationship, it’s no joke. It’s not that I haven’t been asked or I haven’attempted, but I balk at the first sign of distress and because I know what I saw, I have vowed to never let a man do that to me in any way, shape or form. This has somehow translated to being overtly precautions that even the least argument scares the living daylight out of me. I don’t kno sha, another day. not today. Definitely not today.

      I am happy for you adeanon for leaving, God bless you and he would see you through. I know what you have gone through, not from personal experience but from watching others go through it. I am glad you didn’t get to the point of snapping and exacting revenge yourself and how you made it all these years,only God knows bc He alone was watching over you. You are stronger and better for leaving him. God would finish this marvelous new journey he has started in your life. Your better days are still ahead of you. Cheers.

    • Shao

      August 23, 2016 at 4:51 am

      I experienced the same childhood as you. Great father but bad husband-terrible husband.
      Mother also stayed for us being emotionally, financially and physically abused until high BP and stress related diseases led to a heart attack and she died.

      Now dauris’ comment is very schizophrenic. Many are mad but few are roaming.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:25 am

      Wow . Thank you. Better days are indeed ahead. He is a good dad too but a very insecure and horrible husband. Although my pastor qualifies it saying the best thing a father can do is love his children’s mother – his wife.

      I’ve released it all to God. And he is giving me beauty for ashes x

    • teee

      August 23, 2016 at 12:43 am

      @darius, I hope and pray you never fall victim to such, cos you won’t believe your own story even while experiencing it.

    • Idomagirl

      August 23, 2016 at 8:57 am

      Keep discrediting someone’s pain in the name of objectivity until it happens to you or someone close to you, then you’ll know that there are demons walking amongst us.
      Be careful how you dismiss someone’s pain, life has a way of making us eat our words.

    • DELA

      August 23, 2016 at 8:59 am

      believe it. My mum has been receiving worst treatment and silence for over 20 year and has been married for 30yrs and she is still in my fathers house.

    • Prince

      August 23, 2016 at 10:14 am

      You see how you publicly disgrace yourself and expose your foolishness. You see ba. i have been telling you but you wont listen. I pity you.

    • kaybellz

      August 23, 2016 at 2:02 pm

      Are you for real! Please gerrarrahia! Ope!

    • Witness

      August 23, 2016 at 2:38 pm

      MR Darius don’t assert what you have no idea about. I grew up in a DYSFUNCTIONAL home where my father would beat up my mother and after their fights he’ll refuse to provide for our feeding and upkeep because “our mother is a bad woman”. I was the child he could listen to and I was the one who’d beg him to provide for our feeding and he’d give out little for our feeding. Like, I literally had to beg a man to feed us his children so we don’t die of starvation. So many ugly things that happened in that marriage between my parents that I can’t write here, so many. So is a man capable of leaving his wife out in the snow?! Yes!!! The devil enters family and uses parents to totally destroy their homes and their children. Till today, I bear the psychological damage. I found God and I’m daily asking him to heal me and NOT ALLOW me get into the kind of horror my parents had and called marriage.
      So don’t equivocally refute people’s stories for you have no idea the WICKEDNESS humans are capable of. You have no idea!

      Dear poster, I’m glad you find the courage to leave. Your children will be better off for it, they will bless you and thank you for saving then the horror and degradation. God also helped you save yourself from being turned into a monster or a loonie by your hubby. You are BLESSED! You’ve lost nothing. You’ve only forsaken the devil and his destruction.

    • Witness

      August 23, 2016 at 2:42 pm

      *a family
      *found
      *them

      Please pardon my typos.

  12. hib

    August 22, 2016 at 11:55 pm

    Wow!

  13. m

    August 22, 2016 at 11:59 pm

    Adeanon don’t be defensive dear, she is just pointing out the gravity of it in disbelief. I went cold reading it too, it’s too much for anyone to suffer this.

  14. Darius

    August 23, 2016 at 12:05 am

    @Adeanon, I am terribly sorry ma’am! I mean no disrespect. My choice of words can easily create the wrong impression. What I’m trying to say is: I can’t believe someone can be this wicked to the extent that it is almost impossible to believe that they can actually exhibit such wickedness. I feel your pain and I must tell you that women of your calibre are a rarity. Very few women can actually endure such pain and maltreatment and come out strong. Stay strong! God bless you!

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:22 am

      Thank you for clarifying and for the encouragement. When I look back now- yeah it’s like a really bad movie. I cannot even list half of the things he has done- like the shame won’t let me.
      That’s why I snapped at your comment.

    • Darius

      August 23, 2016 at 8:26 am

      I can perfectly understand. Initially, it beat my imagination that an educated man could subject his wife to such inhuman treatment. I kept asking myself questions like: were your parents and his parents aware that you were treated with such contempt in your matrimonial home? The pastor that solemnized your wedding, what was is take on what was happening? The ladies that were flocking around your husband, weren’t they aware that he is married and that if could be this cruel to his wife, he would have no qualms being cruel to them either. If I was a lady, I would run away from your husband as far as my legs can carry me. If your husband has any regret in life, in a couple of years from now, his biggest regret would be, treating you with disdain. He would tell anyone who cares to listen that he had a good woman once.

  15. Onyie

    August 23, 2016 at 12:08 am

    Comment directed to the buffoon Darius

  16. Darius

    August 23, 2016 at 12:12 am

    @m, thanks a million for helping to clarify my comment. I am a he not a she. Thanks again!

  17. Ope

    August 23, 2016 at 12:17 am

    @adenon,you married your enemy. Thank God you found the courage to move. The Lord is your strength. That dude is na devil

  18. Felinda

    August 23, 2016 at 12:20 am

    Thank you Bella for honoring my request and making this separate.

    I want to share this story with my cousin who is in great denial and is still staying. Her self esteem went from a hundred to zero. She’s is being abused by her husband emotionally and physically though she denies the physical part and I see all the marks and the 7yr old boy tells me stuff. now my 7yr old nephew is been hitting her 4yr old sister, I wonder where he learnt that.

    My 5 brothers want to gang up beat the guy up but u know American has laws ????so I advised them not to. She is not on talking terms with all the family members including her mom, cos if you dare say anything about her abusive husband she will cut you off. She said she will stay cos the kids love their dad. I pray for her.

    • Adanna

      August 23, 2016 at 3:14 am

      Hiah!! Biko what are the five brothers waiting for? They can beat the living shit out of the egocentric coward. They can provide alibis for each other, simple. In fact by the time they have dealt with the little idiot he no go get mouth talk. Plus he will finally own up to his uterus envy and get the hell out of the damn closet. I can’t stand “men” who try to “catch maleness” by abusing women. Nonsense, Anyway they never born the man that will try that flicking liberty pisstake on me or mine. Your friend needs to check herself. She is doing so much damage to those kids by remaining in that abusive situation. She needs to stop thinking of herself and start protecting the kids. Maybe you should alert social services to the fact that the children are at risk because they are witnessing domestic violence.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 7:07 am

      All you can do is pray and support her. A woks H doesn’t leave until she’s done. Sad but true. In her case though because of the physical abuse, I pray it’s sooner rather than later x

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 7:07 am

      Meant to say a woman doesn’t

  19. Nahum

    August 23, 2016 at 12:26 am

    Well done for leaving him! May God continue to give you peace and may you and your children flourish in Jesus name. God bless dear

    • *curious*

      August 23, 2016 at 1:06 am

      Amen.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 7:08 am

      Thank you ! X

  20. kemi

    August 23, 2016 at 12:27 am

    this is my present situation, although not married, wedding already slated for next month, but i feel i should leave, the verbal and emotional abuse is too much

    • Idomagirl

      August 23, 2016 at 9:04 am

      Please a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.
      Don’t become another statistic, you are here for a purpose.

    • adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 9:15 am

      I never thought I would be one to say these words, but my darling..Don’t do it. Please. If the signs were there like that , I would NEVER have gone in. My soon to be exH is the textbook definition of a narcissist. He chose me, I was young, fresh, smart , light skinned long hair. I was from a good home. He was hyper-vigilant in his pursuit and projected the perfect image – excessively caring, loving and attentive. He swept me off my feet. He flew me to Europe. and proposed. He won my parents and friends over within minutes of meeting them…

      Then the control started. I don’t like long hair.You don’t need make up. Married women don’t show cleavage. You should only wear kitten heels.

      Kemi,it only gets worse. At least I enjoyed the giddiness of courting, the compliments, the you are my world until a year into marriage. It can’t end well for you if it starts like this sweetie.

      Praying for wisdom for you x

    • Bleed Blue

      August 23, 2016 at 9:24 am

      Oh darling Kemi, if you feel this way in the moments leading up to your wedding, which are meant to be some of the most exciting moments of your life, would you do me a favor and think deeply of what this time next year, and then 5 years time will hold for you?

      Sweetie, if you can genuinely visualize yourself in a happy place, then by all means go ahead but if you can only see torment in your future, why are you getting married?

      It’s next month. It can’t be easy to consider calling it off. I know. But talk to mum and dad if you can. Express everything and respectfully ask them not to interrupt you till you’re done. Please try.

      Is he about to get a wife? Or is he about to get a target?
      Are you about to get a husband? Or are you about to get a bully?

      Please think deeply and may God guide you dear.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 23, 2016 at 12:41 pm

      “Is he about to get a wife or is he about to get a target?”!!! As in… I’m just transfixed by that question… Nne, Preach!!!

      And I’m just here, still in disbelief at all these comments and shared stories thinking, “Blood of God, Father of Mercy – please, after all these years of patiently waiting, don’t tell me that this sort of abusive trap can be a possible end of someone’s story. Lord, please say it isn’t so!!!!” 🙁

    • shield

      August 23, 2016 at 9:41 am

      Dear kemi, please leave! You are very fortunate to see his character now before marriage so you can run. My dear, after marriage, IT WILL GET WORSE! Forget everything you have spent, invested and all that. For God’s sake, your happiness sake, please DO NOT get married to a man who is abusing you now. I beg you, on my e-knees, please oo. Get help if you are afraid. Talk to a counsellor, involve the police if need be, stand up boldly and tell your family and his that you are no longer interested. Trust me, you will be better off. God will give you your own man that will treat you like the princess that you are.

    • Fashionista

      August 23, 2016 at 11:01 am

      Kemi PLEASEEEE leave, I know it would be difficult – everything planned, money spent on the wedding, what would people say, you don’t want to hurt him, you don’t want to hurt your family. I get it! But please I’m begging you, you have to leave because it will only get worse in marriage, trust me. I pray for strength from above for you. ?

    • Tosin

      August 23, 2016 at 1:59 pm

      Please leave, he will get worse in marriage. Don’t shortchange yourself.

    • kaybellz

      August 23, 2016 at 2:21 pm

      Kemi, my namesake, please don’t do it.
      Your man is out there, wait for him. He has been crafted by God, made to your specifications.
      Don’t settle for an abuser.

    • BM

      August 23, 2016 at 4:03 pm

      please leave Kemi or else you will come back and write stories that touch and this leads to my next item. Dear Adeanon, God will reward your labour of love. Do not fret, be faithful to your God and children and your laughter will know no end. Again, so our single sisters can learn a thing or too to reduce the incidences of broken marriages, what are the tail signs of men like this? what would you have done differently to salvage this situation? what advice would you give the single and searching? This might help somebody in the now and future

    • NUR

      August 23, 2016 at 4:34 pm

      LEAVE!!!!!!

    • Ope

      August 23, 2016 at 8:33 pm

      PLEASE PLEASE and PLEASE,break it NOW

    • Pamela

      August 29, 2016 at 4:03 pm

      Kemi cancel that wedding fast. U haven’t met Mr. right! If u feel ds way already then u’ll be walking into hell with ur eyes open. Dont narry that guy and come here with bitter stories you could have avoided.

    • Kim

      September 6, 2016 at 2:39 pm

      Run for your dear life.

  21. Anon

    August 23, 2016 at 1:54 am

    a lot of US have been victims of worse,just for the sake of society we keep trying to make it work,i can relate to all that she is saying,i have been abused and oppressed and i am what people consider a strong woman before i got married,i suffered silently ,at first because these men somehow get you confused and you think the reason for the abuse is your fault,i suffered silently also because i was ashamed that people will wonder why i would subject myself to that level of abuse.My husband used to lock me out of our matrimonial room cos we shared a room ,when he was not in the mood or when we have a mild argument,he would sieze the car keys and sometimes i would be forced to use the BRT when i had an urgent errand and we had 3 cars at that time,a Range Rover,Camry and a Sienna.he would lock the kitchen and instruct the nanny to only enter when they want to make food for my toddler son that used to eat mostly cereal at that time,one time i got so hungry and called our pastor to come to the house to settle issues ,he came back home and met me with the pastor and i had taken the keys to the kitchen from the nanny and took some food that the nanny had made,he came up to the living room with the pastor there shouting that why did i enter the kitchen and grabbed the pot of stew to pour on me and the pastor held him back.
    When he is in a fowl mood,you cant laught out loud,you cant watch Tv or be on the internet or use your phone and most of the time he is moody, i used to think that Men treat their wives that way when you are from a poor background, but my family is not dependent on us for anything,we are both from average families with nice childhood memories so it was hard for me to understand why he behaved the way he did.I read law and was called to the bar ,taking my proffessional exams,ICSA,IARB,WHILE WORKING IN zenith BANK.I stopped my Bank job after we got married and became solely dependent on him because he deceived me with lots of gifts and affection and i thought it would continue.Women pls let us fight today so that our daughters can be free ,empower yourselves,empower your daughters,tell yourself the truth.I have been seperated for close to 4 years now with 3 kids,the worst is over,sometimes i say to my sister “what if i wake up oneday next to my husband and realise that this seperation was dream’ just the mere thought of it scares me to death.it is even worse when people outside think you are living well but you are actually suffering.
    IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU LOOSE YOURSELF COMPLETELY ,TO THE POINT THAT WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR SELF IN THE MIRROR AND YOU CANT RECOGNIZE YOURSELF,PLS LEAVE.

    • Ope

      August 23, 2016 at 8:39 pm

      Pele. Stay strong

    • Sultana

      August 23, 2016 at 9:11 pm

      You are a champion. Im a lawyer and i know you must have invested a lot in your career despite being in the bank you achieved so much. Ko easy rara. Beauty for ashes is yours.

  22. becky

    August 23, 2016 at 1:56 am

    pls follow us on [email protected] riseaboveoppression- it is a movement against female oppression with emphasis on Africa

  23. The real D

    August 23, 2016 at 2:52 am

    I know many women are usually so done by the time they get out that they want nothing to do with the man, but these men should be held responsible for their kids na. My SIL is in the same boat, so done with the dude and when she filed for separation (but court granted her divorce) dude kept insisting he did not want o. After fighting with her once while she was holding their new born baby that she could not protect herself because she had to protect the baby from getting hurt. By the time she was done, the dude refused to pay for his kids up keep. She was happy to have him gone that she did not even bother sending the law after him. I don’t find that acceptable at all!!! They are his kids, whatever happened between the parents should not in anyway affect his responsibility as a father. The author appears to be somewhere outside Nigeria. Please send the law after his behind, not taking care of his children should not be an option.

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:18 am

      Thank you. You are so right. I am DONE. I decided to act like he was dead. If he died, wouldn’t I take care of my kids? He was withholding the tuition to punish me, to keep me there.

      After the initial stress and anxiety of moving out, I got myself together. I listed all our assets. I asked for half. I asked for him to be responsible for the tuition. I did not ask for the marital home- it represented a prison for me. Our marital home in Lagos, he’s taken his mistress several times. Threw her 30th birthday party there. Don’t need that either!

      Waiting on court dates now. I know even if I get awarded zero,God will take care of me. But I am asking for half. Been married 17 years- we both worked hard to build this together. Yes he always earned more but that was partly because I took extended maternity leave 2x And also because he just discouraged me from anything too successful . He told me he would take care of me, so I worked part time, jobs without travel or visibility.The job I got a month before I left – it can only be God. They gave me a sign on bonus that’s equivalent to my rent for 12 months. A sign on bonus in this economy ! I’m renting in the same neighbourhood, my children’s school life + social life hasn’t been disrupted, God has been faithful.!

    • Dr S.

      August 23, 2016 at 7:18 am

      You’ve done so well. I salute women that have the courage to leave an abusive spouse, no matter how long it takes them. I left my ex after exactly a year and two months of marriage, he wasn’t physically abusive, but he was as unfaithful as a rabid dog. He was also scathingly, verbally abusive and had the biggest inferiority complex and considered me a rich little daddy’s girl who needed to be taught life’s lessons! He refused to let me dress up to functions and events and insisted that I must always look demure and plain. He cheated right under my nose with women who lived on the same street; my neighbours told me in confidence repeatedly that he brought women home whenever I was out of town. I got infected with STIs several times. I knew I had to leave him.

      Obviously when I filed for divorce he fought me tooth and nail and insisted he was not getting divorced. It’s been 11 long years, I’m remarried with kids and I’m glad I got out then. He wanted to destroy me.
      I’m glad you got out. It’s never too late to start over.

    • "changing moniker"

      August 23, 2016 at 7:29 am

      Wow!!!! You are what the psalmist wrote about in Ps 23, even though you pass through the shadows of death, he will protect you.
      May God continue to protect, bless, provide for you.
      You’re a Psalm 23 baby ☺

    • D

      August 23, 2016 at 8:23 am

      @adeanon your husband is ehn…. ..wow!!! He threw a party for his mistress in your naija matrimonial home? Please take him to the Cleaners!!! I understand why you want nothing to do with the other house but still take it and put it up for sales let him sleep on the street for a change. Sorry about all you went through in your marriage and am glad you had a job to support yourself and also came out stronger.

    • Similar

      August 23, 2016 at 2:52 pm

      I cried as I read your story. I cried not because of what you went through( which is horrible by the way) but because you finally got out. I was married for 7 years. I was the ATM in this relationship. He used me to offset his debt, refused to work and he incurred debts all over town. I was scared to leave cos of the kids, cos of what my parents would say, how my friends and the society would view me.
      I stayed on because of my boys, until I noticed my first son was always asking me for his needs. He never went to his father. I told him to go ask his dad and he said “Mom, he is always giving me excuses and he always breaks his promise”. That statement woke me up fast. I mean, here I was, staying on for the boys and they were learning that a man doesn’t have to provide for his home.
      I gave him an ultimatum to improve or get out of my life, he didn’t and I moved on. I was called all sorts of names, told all manner of stories why I would fail but I’m standing strong and proud.
      Life has been so much better, I have worries but God is ever faithful and he provides for me in ways I cannot even tell. My boys are thriving and they no longer have to witness us fighting. His burden is off my neck, I used to be so scared to answer calls from unknown numbers cos of the people he owed money. Now I can rest easy and answer my calls, Now I can keep money in my purse and find it there, Now I dont have to hide my bank details and master card in the office. I am better off.

  24. hillary

    August 23, 2016 at 4:16 am

    @fashola lover, you are so right. I hated my mom for staying in an abusive relationship. It took the grace of God for me to just let it go. I hated the fact that she was damn weak. I found her disgusting. I’m glad she’s left now and she’s far away from him. As for men not taking care of their kids after divorce, it’s just wrong.The woman did not make them by herself. Even if the relationship ended badly, they’re still your kids and you should be responsible for them. I blame the lack of laws in Nigeria. When you have senators like Dino Melaye, what do you expect?? they will never make laws that favour women because they see us as nothing. Whether the marriage works out or not, the children will always be his, so he has to take care of them. My dear, you should sue him to court. Get your child support from him.

  25. Tutu

    August 23, 2016 at 7:49 am

    My Dad did these same exact things to my Mum. The story is the same. Infact for a second I thought my Mum sent this in. My Dad did all these! Changing the channels while she was watching tv, not wanting her to do anything too successful, hitting her all the time, having a mistress, leaving her outside to sleep overnight coz she didn’t open the gate for him early enough, the maid had to give her the car key through the window, she slept in the car. Name it! He did it! I was still so young when we left. I even blamed my Mum for leaving because I thought she robbed me of having a proper family but now I’m so grateful we left. So glad my Mom had the strength to leave and then become very successful. Successful enough to give us a better life than we would have had if we lived with him.

    • adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 8:18 am

      I’m so sorry Tutu. I am sorry you witnessed this. I thank God that you saw the strength it takes to leave, No woman deserves to be treated this way and God always restores, always heals, which is why your mom was successful. Big Hugs x.

  26. Chinedu

    August 23, 2016 at 9:01 am

    Adeanon, I was feeling pity for you until you you revealed u want half, which funny enough you conveniently left out in your one – sided article.. Sorry, I don’t believe your story, something seems off and I bet you dont seem as innocent as you potrayed yourself, would love to hear ur ex husband version. It seems you have found your 15mins of fame by the way you try reply every comment. I WISH YOUR HUSBAND SUCESS AND HAPPINESS AND HOPE HE FOUNDS SOMEONE BETTER BECAUSE I have a feeling he is the victim here . You look like the type of woman that will emotionally and verbally abuse a man then later clam victimhood because you know you will get a big support from equally frustrated, bitter and hypocritical women especially here in bella naija

    • Biker Chic

      August 23, 2016 at 7:32 pm

      God go punish you Chinedu.

    • aj

      August 23, 2016 at 10:10 pm

      You are an idiot Chinedu! God will judge your evil ass!

    • memebaby

      August 24, 2016 at 3:32 pm

      aren’t you just a silly lizard! may your daughters, nieces or any girl child you cherish never get maltreated by their partner. stoopid fellow.. have a nice day 🙂

  27. Queeneth

    August 23, 2016 at 9:04 am

    My biological dad kicked my mum down the stairs when she was 8 and half months preggy with me. When i was born and incubated, he never came to d hospital nor acknowledged me till date. My mom left immediately after that incident with her 5 kids and he immediately brought in his mistress and her kids. Till date he never contributed to our education. We are all grown and married with kids and i don’t know what he looks like nor care. My mom worked 3 jobs to bring us up till God sent a kind man her way who married her and gave us his name. He never raised his voice at my mum for a day….yes such men exist. My adopted dad is an ANGEL. Iove him to bits

    • "changing moniker"

      August 23, 2016 at 7:07 pm

      Have you listened to Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson

  28. butwhy

    August 23, 2016 at 9:06 am

    But why do we have so much of these kind of me nowadays? Is it the ailing economy or just a different way the male child is brought up these days? God help us!

    • Engoz

      August 23, 2016 at 12:04 pm

      The Nigerian male child is brought up to be egocentric to the wife, thinking only of himself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; he is brought up to be self-centered. Egocentrism in psychology is a behavior of children. And when children don’t get their way they throw a tantrum. However, You can correct children. You can’t correct adults. When a trait is ingrained in the adult, it is very difficult to correct. The Nigerian adult male considers his word pristine gold and is willing to throw a violent tantrum if he doesn’t get his way. He rarely ever outgrows his egocentrism. There is a thin line between his definition of headship and abuse. Most will cross that line into abuse, control and domination. Behind every husband who is emotionally sensible and mature, is a wife who has laid down the rules on what she won’t take. Nigerian Women channel too much energy in the wedding preparations and Cinderella stories. And are shocked when the realities of them being followers, he being your Lord and master, comes into play. Do not be deceived by the dating phase. Nigerian men are entering marriages with the sole aim of dominating the Nigerian female. He has his own Cinderella story and it involves you being of house maid-like service to him. He has watched a lot of Nollywood movies of the wife setting the table, bringing the bowl of water to wash his hands. Him throwing a tantrum if his food is not done well. Him doing whatever he pleases and him coming back to beg and you accepting and forgiving his bad ways. Him being in control of your success. Your success must be dependent on his permission. The Nigerian male has daydreamed and internalized all of this and can’t wait to carry out his mission in life…to be a pain in the ass of his wife.

      Now do not think he would act this way to a foreign wife. His reasons are these foreign wives are not brought up under your oppressive culture and should be forgiven. You were brought up under this oppressive culture and you must live by it.

    • chichi

      August 23, 2016 at 2:40 pm

      @Engoz this is it! This really is where it starts the entitlement of Nigerian men, they truly do believe this Nollywood stuff, but so do Nigerian/African woman. We buy into what we see and want it to look like that in reality, the good stuff that is. We have to break the cycle, tradition is not to abuse your spouse, and in these times of economical hardship I can not understand any man who doesn’t want you to work, that right there is the biggest sign of control. Even if you are financially stable the fact is things change and if you are in a relationship where you must ask for an allowance then you never have real freedom (and yes even in marriage there is a level of freedom). @kemi please please understand that change only comes when someone is good and ready to change and if you cant influence change and stand your ground before you’re married next month, then know that the abuse you are receiving now WILL continue. Its not smart and not worth it. The bravest thing you can do now is walk away. You never truly know what you’re getting into with marriage but as someone has already said to you, God has shown you what to expect, the time before marriage should always be the reason you marry your other half and as a smart woman would you honestly advise your friend or sister to go ahead with it? Good luck!

  29. Idomagirl

    August 23, 2016 at 9:12 am

    Bless you for sharing your story.
    I know how hard it is for a woman to leave especially with kids involved.
    Even if it’s one woman who is encouraged by you to walk away from an abusive situation, I’m glad.
    But even more importantly – you have shown your kids, especially your daughter the importance of being strong enough to walk away from situations that diminish and reduce your wholeness.

    Continue to flourish, your best days are ahead. ?

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 10:18 am

      Thank you. It was hard but it had to be done. Trusting God for the future x

  30. adeanon

    August 23, 2016 at 9:20 am

    Anon, lifting you and your children in prayer.God makes all things beautiful. Like you I questioned myself, was I not submissive? Was I too ambitious? But when your nanny starts saying to you madam oga no want better for you, you know the problem is not you. When we moved to the US, we changed nannies so rapidly. No one could bear that tension.One sent me a note after she left saying you need to leave, your husband is an emotional terrorist. What you have is not a marriage. hugs x

    • Feminist

      August 23, 2016 at 10:46 pm

      Fruits of a patriachial, sexist and misogynistic society!
      Our Mothers before us failed to raise their sons to see women and equals. For the most part, women are seen as subordinate and less than the man – and marriage as the ultimate female achievement. In many marriages the man feels like he did the woman a favor by marrying her in the first place.
      This mentality often manifests into abuse – As if marriage only benefits the woman. Over religiosity also doesn’t help this matter – where people make divorce seem like the worst thing to do! Hence why women are dying (emotionally and literally) in marriages everyday!

  31. Olulu

    August 23, 2016 at 9:34 am

    With all these comments about violence in marriages/ relationships, I think the key issue that needs to be looked into is, what is the root cause of men maltreating their wives? If it was only men from broken homes, we can say it was based on what they experienced. But what about men from happy homes/families? Can the root cause be dealt with? Else we would just always have the same cycle over and over again, i.e. man from broken home, does the same thing to wife, wife leaves with children, children grow up and cycle begins. Hmmm, God help us.

    @adeanon thank God for your life, health and wellbeing. May God continue to shelter you and provide for you, and may He help you train thy children in perfection..

  32. Bleed Blue

    August 23, 2016 at 9:37 am

    @Adeanon

    All I want to do is find you and hug the pain out of you. But thank the Father that you seem to be doing progressively fine.

    However I’m conscious that these things aren’t easy. After we’ve all given our heartfelt support on this post, there will be more happening in your life that we won’t be privy to. Please I ask that you bookmark this page on all your devices so in the (hopefully unlikely) event that self doubt or any other negative offshoot comes into your mind, you can immediately open this post and recall how we encouraged you and how inadvertently, you encouraged some of us too.

    God bless you real good and that daughter of yours is a complete gem. My son is almost 11, if only he was slightly older, we could have had a discussion in the future……wink wink…… 😉

    • Adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 10:16 am

      Hi darling,
      Thank you . I’m overwhelmed by the support on here and you are right I will bookmark this for the down days. There is residual pain of course – I love this man and I wanted so much. But life throws you curve balls and you have to deal with it.

      As for your son .. And my D . Real shame re age difference o. Loll! He will find a beautiful lovely girl he will treat right in Jesus mighty name and my precious D will find her God ordained soulmate. Affliction will not come a second time x.

  33. INI

    August 23, 2016 at 9:45 am

    Hmmmmmm this is a very serious matter.o. No abusive man deserve to be pitied. Women should endeavour to walk away and move on. Those who insist to hold on to abusive relationship most times lost their lives. Women should desist the idea of LET ME STAY FOR MY CHILDREDN”. God will judge such men. Its a pity.

  34. ThatGhanaChick

    August 23, 2016 at 10:24 am

    Dear @adeanon,

    May God continue to strengthen you. I pray that he will continue to create avenues for you that will make it possible for you to take care of your children even better and above all I pray that God will heal and mend your pain.

    God loves you more than any man can! so hold on to him and keep taking it a day at a time. He who has begun a good thing will bring it to a good and a successful end.

    God bless you……

    • adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 2:13 pm

      Amen- Thank you.

  35. Ruby

    August 23, 2016 at 10:32 am

    I know some people will curse me out for this. Let me share a story. Sometimes you need to really ask what went wrong in this marriages. He just upped one day and started hitting you? or the signs were always there? A very close member of my family went through hell in the hands of her husband. When i was younger it was one fight or the other, my cousins would visit and refuse to go back home, mind you the man was my Uncle, she left after awhile and he married someone else, we never heard he hit her or behaved anyhow with her. They were happy, you see his wife glowing, getting the best gifts and anniversary presents! cars, exotic holidays name it. My cousin (one of the children from the first marriage) and I lived together during NYSC, that was when all my confusions and questions were answered. Apparently her mum met a good and awesome young man(my uncle) and decided to “hook” him. She used jazz in marrying my uncle and as they say this things have an expiry date. When the jazz started clearing, he didn’t know what was going on so everytime he saw her, he just had this anger directed at her, so he beats her blue/black, insults her, maltreats her. infact, the whole works! it wasn’t a small something until she decided to leave of her own volition. Am sure if there were blogs and internet some 30years ago she would have wrote exactly this same story of how she was maltreated and not tell the world she used jazz on the guy and the result of the jazz expiring was the maltreatments. Am not saying this is what happened to this lady. Am just saying there are always different sides to a story.

    • for where

      August 23, 2016 at 11:56 am

      Have you ever seen someone narrate a story and implicate herself b4?
      Never
      That wont happen

      Women never have faults….the men in their lives just woke up some day and turned monsters. Thank God for a site like BN where they can throw pity parties and more so you wont see the men come here and say their own side of the story

    • Wura Makay

      August 26, 2016 at 10:43 am

      If you read all her comments, you would see where she pointed fingers at herself and what she could have done better……you silly cynic….For where ko, For-get ni….get lost jare

    • Xoxo

      August 23, 2016 at 12:15 pm

      Are you not ashamed of yourself? Should you be saying this here? And from your name you are a woman oh… Are you insinuatin that the poster did something that warrants such treatment from her ex-husband? Please if you have nothing sane to contribute don’t comment. You hide behind your phone or tablet to post such vile comment. Because that was the case of your cousin does not mean it is the case for every other woman. Some men are just plain wicked. I know this because my aunt (she’s and her husband are actually long time friends with my parents) is going through this. She did nothing to that man. They’ve been married over 20 years with no child till date. He just hates her for no reason. He doesn’t sleep in the house, he doesn’t touch her, he doesn’t come home during birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Anything that will cause a form of dialogue with the wife he avoids. She has cried begged and asked what she did wrong. Everyone she knows has begged him, family members, pastors even my mum. He just stopped taking the calls of people who begged. They’ve asked what she did wrong , he couldn’t provide an answer, he just doesn’t want her anymore. What baffles me is why she still decided to stay. She became a full time house wife because of him. She had to dust get certificate and get a job a few years ago cos staying indoors was driving her nuts. Her dogs are her only companion in that house. We are just waiting for the man to come and tell her he has a child and wife outside. I really wish she’ll leave and find someone else but she has been a serious worker in the church for a very long time so I guess she is thinking ” what will people say?* so don’t come here and tell us any stupid story about hearing the other side. In most cases like this the mans side does not need to be heard because some of them do it out of hatred and spite. @Adeanon you are a strong woman and God will continue to protect you and your children. Better days are ahead for you. I just hope my aunt has the courage to leave and start over. 23 years is not a joke.

    • adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 2:08 pm

      Hi Ruby,

      I really didnt want to respond to this. But I have to. Jazz? What Jazz, I’ve opened up and told you how it happened. So the jazz on my parents marriage and all my siblings didnt expire? But in his family out of 6 brothers, only one is still married. Every single wife walked out. And I judged them. Even in my living hell. Please be careful with words and obtuse stories. I am a point where I can read this and not get angry, but you may have seared the spirt of another trying to break free. I am not saying I am perfect. I admitted I could have handled our earlier conflicts better. But please is it jazz expiry that will make a human being treat another like this? Why didn’t he just say I have had enough? Why is he telling the world he doesn’t want a divorce?

      Hugs x

    • chichi

      August 23, 2016 at 3:13 pm

      @Ruby abeg go back to watching your films. Your comment wasn’t helpful, I almost get what you want to say but you failed with this offering and have just come off insensitive. I hope you never find yourself in a situation like this, but seriously think about it, if your husband comes home in a bad mood and you are in a good mood, if you smile, is that a reason to be abused because you didn’t match his mood? These are the simplest forms of abuse that escalate to worse situations, its not about jazz. The only crime is being ok for it to keep going on.

    • slice

      August 23, 2016 at 4:48 pm

      Jazz ke. When you are not a baby? Where you there when she collected the jazz. A man looking for stupid reasons for his gullible family members came up with jazz and you’re here repeating the etory

  36. Osa

    August 23, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Im so happy you are sharing as sharing is true forgiveness and releases you. God be with you and your kids….I shuddered at the diet coke thrown on you and all the control, i dont like long hair????
    Makes me appreciate my husband much more, here i am fighting him for flimsiest reason….I agree with you, he sought for a young woman he could control, same way my cousin’s husband’s did. He eventually turned her into a depressed lady that was institutionalized severally abroad. Even after he left here there to return to Nigeria with his mistress, she kept saying God forbids divorce. He divorced her here so she couldn’t lay claim to anything but our family takes care of her and her daughter. And would have always done if only she left at the first physical abuse. She was so sweet, quiet, meek and loving….wasn’t strong like us, i always say if any of us was married to her husband he wouldn’t have dared tried 0.1 of what he did with her. I say it all the time, a man hits me, i will definitely hit him back. I never saw my dad talk harshly or hit my mom so please forgive me i don’t know better, i only know how to fight for my right……
    Well done Brave woman, black single woman is only in their heads or minds….you have peace of mind so in tuface’s voice “If nobody talk about you Then you are nobody Whether na true dem talk or na lie My guy Walahi If nobody talk about you Then you are nobody Stop existing and start living And start to feel what we feeling”

    • adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 2:17 pm

      Thank you Osa, He never hit me. That wasn’t his MO. Also he would get locked up in about half a minute. Lol. Emotional torture, withholding affection, then really silly things that made me doubt my sanity, like hiding my car keys, I would make a cup of tea and turn around to do something and he would pour it down the drain. He would eat the last of my famous jollof rice and put empty tupperware back in the fridge. Come to bed at 3am after a skypefest with OW and flick on the lights and gestures for me to pleasure him . ETC ETC.

  37. Isi Nne Mummy!

    August 23, 2016 at 10:53 am

    The issue of abuse is slowly gaining prominence in a male- dominated society like ours that taught us women should be seen and not heard. Most of the women who stay in their marriage only stayed cos’ of the children(my mum inclusive).

    My mum is an angel but my dad, i guess his dysfunctional childhood may have affected. Everyone pities the women but you know who the biggest victims are? The children.

    They usu grow up having a warped sense of marriage and sometimes seek for love in the wrong places.

    Growing up, i always said ‘i would never marry a man like my father’ Nah!.

    Women, we owe our children the joy of having a right sense of self-value. Let’s use wisdom by saying no to all forms of abuse(verbal or emotional)

  38. lolarae

    August 23, 2016 at 11:16 am

    I am so shocked. I see all the comments but feel i need to pray for you too. From here on out you will know peace. God’s mercies and Grace will continually shine on you. Your children will not be affected by what you went through, rather, they will be role models and use this as one of the platforms on which they will flourish.

    God give you all that your heart yearns for, Amen

  39. OO

    August 23, 2016 at 11:29 am

    You wanna know the root cause, i will tell u the root cause. Its from their fathers, and the fathers before them. It is a generational issue, bottom line a curse, handed down from generation to generation,

    Fathers then and their before them were harsh, no emotional connection to their sons, and very brutal to their wives. It is the authoritarian African culture, where the man barks like a madman and expects his food to be on the table just because he went to the farm all day and has brought home fresh palm wine.

    The same foolish man who will then expect any of his wives to be at his ‘service’ whenever he demands and after he is done kicks her out of his room/obi/shed/hut which ever one applies.

    The sons now witness this, thinks women are objects he acquires after all he paid her ‘bride price’ ergo he can treat her anyway he likes. he has been harshly brought up never to show emotions, weakness or compassion and then the cycle goes on.

    ladies, i done told yáll before, if he so much lifts a finger, knee him in the nuts or do him a Regina King in the movie ‘This Christmas’ with some baby oil.

    I have said it before and i will say it again, AFRICAN culture is a demonic culture. Period

    PS I am a guy, Ijebu born, raised in America and i see how real brothers be treating they wives.

    • Er

      August 23, 2016 at 12:33 pm

      Stop deceiving yourself , your not a man but a bitter women somewhere claiming to be a man so as to make your statement genuine

    • Emcee

      August 23, 2016 at 10:10 pm

      And the funny thing is you’re the one that actually seems like bitter kola here. Abeg Er get your life or get out of here!

    • Naijatalk

      August 23, 2016 at 9:57 pm

      I know you are a man, because you once left a comment about your mistress while also intimating you have a wife. Are you any Better?

  40. Nma

    August 23, 2016 at 12:32 pm

    Nne, I feel you. i have been down this road, unfortunately I still am. I totally relate to your story. I have seen worse. And funny enough, I am financially dependent. Things are a bit better since i moved out and returned after family intervention. But I still loose myself. Most times I cant be me. Don’t even know why i am still here, maybe the fear of the unknown. But he can be very loving and can also be a beast. This kind of story gives me hope. Maybe, just maybe, someday, I will take these dreaded steps.
    God help me.

    • adeanon

      August 23, 2016 at 2:09 pm

      Hi Nma,

      Have things improved? Is he open to counselling? Is it salvagable? God will help you x

    • Anon

      August 25, 2016 at 4:50 am

      Dear Nma
      I have been a victim too and I could not leave , but he left,threw a tantrum one day as usual and left the house and slept in his guest house ,he spent the night there , one night led to 2 nights, and 5 nights led to 3years, he said that if I did not come to beg him he would not come back , at that time all my family members and his as well were fed up with all the flimsy arguments that led to enormous fights, I understand you but bottom line is that you are not happy , my husband would oppress you for 6 months and when he thinks you are about to break completely , he starts feeling sorry for me and will try to do something nice for me, it will last for a few days and that will give me hope that it is getting better , when he sees that I am relaxing and smiling he will start the oppression again, and we are back to that chain, unnecessary arguments, malice for weeks, no pocket money, making love forcefully and demanding nasty things during sex. After he left , his ego would not let him come back especially after he told everyone that He wants to teach me a lesson so that I will understand that he is a real man cos he pays all the bills and I should not reply when he is talking and that I did not wash his boxers on time, not that I have a problem with doing that but each time he comes up with one childish demand and if you meet that demand, the next week he will tell you to sit and watch him and do nothing, don’t pick up the phone , don’t look at our phone when you serve him food and he is eating.He also heard from his friends and family members that I said that I don’t know why they want me to go and beg him, beg him to come and continue abusing me, when he heard that , he came and took all the cars and we have 3 young children , he cut supply of funds and we live in a serviced apartment and we needed to pay the service charge for light and water every month. It was hard, I cried a lot first because I suffered a lot but I could not leave because of societal pressure and my family that I wanted to do anything to maintain a home for my kids, but I said to my self, after 8 years of marraige and you can just walk away because I did not come to beg you because he had made it a habit that I would cry and beg him for days if we had any mild argument, he won’t speak to me for weeks, I wanted so much to love him and teach him the kinda love that I experienced in my home as a child cos he did not understand it cos his Dad oppressed his mom so much , the more I tried the worse he became cos I got more needy and people always take advantage of needy people. We have been seperated for 3 years plus now and I live with my kids and he comes to visit, he lives alone in another one of his properties and i stay alone with the kids , it is a funny situation but I am happier than I used to be , my business is thriving now cos when he left , i threw my whole time and energy to grow my business that he never allowed me to do well.
      God will give you strength to fight, you need to be happy, uou deserve to be happy , life is too short . Now I wear make up, attend social gatherings alone, go to the movies, laugh out loud in my house, listen to music with the volume high, watch e channel anytime I want. Go the gym, join my online classes at Coursera without anybody interrupting me or commanding me to put that thing off now ” I know one thing for sure…I don’t want to be back in his arms nor the comfort and pain that comes with it.

  41. John

    August 23, 2016 at 12:40 pm

    Dont mind the frustrated women coming out of the woodwork as usual to bash the men folks.. you have to understand this type of article is just an excuse for them showcase thier hypocrisy and victimhood. I dont believe this adeanon of a woman. I WOULD love to hear the husband version before I conclude . Experience has taught me to never ever take a woman version of a story, if you dig deeper , you will found out it she contributed 70percent to the problem. But , anything to make all the men haters here feel good about themselves

    • shior

      August 23, 2016 at 1:18 pm

      you will have a daughter John, if you already have one and she gets mistreated i hope her husbands side of the story will be enough for him to pound her and i hope she wil not contribute to 70% of why he mistreated her ngbo. its not a curse oh i just pray god gives you daughters

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 2:23 pm

      An I hope you have sons that will get emotionally and verbally abused by a woman, .the woman will ruin sons life both physically and publicly and also get sympathy for it. Oh I forget you wont see you yoyr grand children bcos the woman will take them and also you son will live with you bcos the woman has taken his house and money and enjoying it with her current lover,..this is not a curse but I pray God gives beta sons

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 2:33 pm

      An I hope you have sons that will get emotionally and verbally abused by a woman, .the woman will ruin your sons life both physically and publicly and also get sympathy for it. Oh I forget you wont see you your grand children bcos the woman will take them and also your son will live with you bcos the woman has taken his house and money and enjoying it with her current lover,..this is not a curse but I pray God gives you beta sons

    • Dee

      August 23, 2016 at 10:14 pm

      Aaaah! John has just said what is really worrying him. He clearly has unresolved mummy issues. Eya pele o.
      It’s a pity you feel this way but please consider writing your own article so BN can publish. Instead of jumping on the comments section to vent your palpable anger.

    • lily

      August 23, 2016 at 1:29 pm

      Nawa o. Some of you people like to do selective reading/listening. The woman said her siblings have good marriages and she knows there are good men. Her daughter and maids had to tell her to leave. His sisters are happy she left because even they know he’s wicked. Another person commented and said she left a bad marriage and found a good man, meaning noone is bashing men only the bad ones. But wait o…no matter how much someone offends you, so you can leave them in the cold for hours abi, male or female. You are equally a wicked person and ‘yes, offence’. Mschew

    • kaybellz

      August 23, 2016 at 2:34 pm

      So she contributed 70% and he in turn tried to make her an emotional cripple. You must be a wife beater, psycho POS.
      I’m sure that’s what you tell yourself, your pastor/imaam and your family every time you beat your poor wife, ‘she contributed 70% of the problem, so I supplied the 30% kill shot with jaara.’

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 2:47 pm

      Yawnñnnnnnnnn, cliche comment.

    • anon

      August 23, 2016 at 6:04 pm

      Kindly provide the source of your statistics.
      And you better answer o

    • aj

      August 23, 2016 at 10:35 pm

      you John are a complete moron.

  42. Ghostmode

    August 23, 2016 at 12:47 pm

    I’m so happy you got the strength to leave him. Every human being on earth is Work in progress and to me when or if one decides to get married, it should be an up-lifting union that helps both parties grow and better them-self. Life is a gift from the Almighty Father and to show gratitude for this gift we should make conscious effort not to get trapped in relationships that makes us bitter and void of happiness because then we would have misused the gift of life. Your story brought tears to my eyes and I’m happy you won! Please keep your head high you worth all the happiness in life. Tight hugs dear

  43. Lami

    August 23, 2016 at 1:08 pm

    I have realised that at the end of the day most boys or men as the case may be are not properly trained,it’s a root problem,men are brought up to be selfish,boys are brought up by the same set of women commenting here that they are more superior than the lady folk,and they live with that mind set.My hubby has never laid a finger on me but am tired of the marriage.Our paths just seem to be different and am beginning to ask myself if i want to continue in this marriage.We have not had a decent conversation in almost two weeks .I have brothers and i see the way they treat their spouses.Permit me to say that a lot of our mothers have failed in raising their sons,almost every week a wife is complaining about their spouse,attend counselling the men will not go,marriage seminars in church seems to be for just the wives.Truth is their is a fundamental problem that needs to be resolved and fast .I watch the way my uncle treats his wife and i wonder if we are on the same planet.They are so nynsc ,the last time i saw him he came to town with his wife’s atm and vice versa,that guy must not die cos am sure the wife will follow suit. Everytime i advice my hubby on a biz venture,he tells me am negative and creating fear in him and then when the biz goes bad he calls me a witch.So right now i have stopped talking ,when he complains about all my flaws i ask him if he does not have any flaw at all..I don’t know what i will be doing next but i am beginning to realise that life is too short and i deserve to really be happy.I just feel some mothers have failed in raising the male child.For those of us who have sons let’s teach our sons how to treat their sisters and duaghters.I guess the question we should be asking now is that am i raising a son that i will be glad my daughter can marry his type?if your answer is no then check the way you raise your sons.

    • Toks

      August 24, 2016 at 1:27 am

      It seems we are married to the same man. I don’t know the way forward too and I’m tired.

  44. John

    August 23, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    Look at the way they are urging herto take him to the cleaners.,.they will divorce but wont like to devorce your money and dont give me the crap of the having children,if you are strong enough to divorce the children father and take away his kids from be strong also to take care of the children or else leave the kids with the father was has the means to take care of them.

    • lily

      August 23, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      You Sir/Ma have a problem!!! May the females in your life not go through such! Amen! Ohhhh…so you’d rather have her stay there and die ‘because of her children’ when the children themselves usually dread their mothers for not leaving. I think it was Yung6ix that tweeted about leaving with his Mum and how glad he is, he did. Comedian Ebiye too on instagram praised his Mum for caring their family, after the father left. These are sons, not even daughters talking so one can’t say they are biased. There are good men and there are equally evil men same way there good and bad women!

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 10:44 pm

      There are good men and there are equally evil men same way there good and bad women!….simple. pls, what is wrong in hearing the man own version before conclusion. IT is never the womens fault acoording to hypocritical women like you. It is always the mans fault..gerarahere

    • missnk

      August 23, 2016 at 6:11 pm

      oh shut up, you vile excuse for a human being. In your haste to type out venomous words, you aren’t even making sense. Ranting like a mad man to show support for an abusive man only shows that you’re the same.

  45. John

    August 23, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    Bella naija stop deleting comment of people who are critical of this article , everybody is not a fool

    • chichi

      August 23, 2016 at 2:56 pm

      @john Actually you are wrong some people are fools. And you are a contender for that role. The fact is you are being unreasonable, if you are a father whose wife cheated on him then took the kids away whilst he remained a perfect example of a good husband then I am on your side but please look at every situation differently, how can you as a man be in support of this, did you read the same story as us or not? If you really cant see why she or any other woman who endured such and left should be entitled to the husband paying their kids upkeep and tuition then I’m afraid you are the very problem we are talking about. Narcissistic and you feel entitled. Its not entirely your fault, our society and possibly your parents taught you no better. Love doesn’t do the things her husband does and we can all agree, she stayed long enough to justify trying and if you can’t see that then I feel sorry for you but I’m more sorry for your spouse/partner. I understand defending your gender but as I always say, what if it were your sister or mother? If you think they should put up with it then I’m right, you need to rethink your thinking.

    • Loki

      August 24, 2016 at 10:27 am

      Oh, but you are!

  46. Darius

    August 23, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    We still have a long way to go in this country. Until some Nigerian men understand that domestic violence and gender inequality is a real problem and that women are always at the receiving end, the problem will continue. Pls, let’s be rational and support this incredible lady who has taken the bold step to leave her errant husband and extricate herself from the bondage of an abusive marriage. She is inspiration to a lot of ladies who are going through same predicament. Some comments here are not really helpful.

  47. Dammy

    August 23, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    i cant even form my word correctly not because i cant but becos of the abuse i have endured, people dont know that children growing up in Abusive relationship are also abused because they are going through the abuse with you, My brothers and 1 grew up in one and we are still living in it,it causes stagnation in ones life, a lot of confusion etc im a girl and the first born,i love my mum but deep down inside me i resented her,she didnt leave then and she is still in it,she hasnt left now stayed and it has really broken her,made her its terrible,trying to deal wit forgivness and letting go in the suituation is really messy, ,its so sad becos my brothers and i are grown ups,im 31 and i still live with my parents, i have a child out of wedlock ,we all still live in the house,in the abuse, in the darkness.My dad tops it up by being a terrible father,nobody can questiion him and he shouts us down in the house,stayed also to give my mum support as the only girl but i now got into the mess of getting pregnant out of wedlock,now im trying to put my life back together.,having a relationship had obviously been have becos i tend to repel guys away from me, but God has truly been Good to me and any1 that says there is no GOD,i feel really sorry for such a person.

  48. Chike

    August 23, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    John John. You kinda of sound like a guilty husband. And you also spit out a lot of crap.

    Anyways, truth is that this type of abuse in marriages is not new. It has existed for as long as marriages have existed. The difference now is not woman are speaking out. Women are stronger and bolder and not letting society make them miserable for the rest of their lives. This is what the woman of old did – they hung in there and lived a miserable life or died while trying.
    Abusive men have always existed. Infact they are usually the charmers, the perceived perfect gentlemen. So much so that it s always almost impossible for outsiders to believe when it all comes out.

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 10:50 pm

      The women totally deserved it, they marry the bad , rich guys while they friend zoned or even dump the good guys who they find boring and not spontaneous enough for them..give me a break..the hypocrisy here is just alarming

    • Raimi

      August 23, 2016 at 11:00 pm

      Bwahahahaha!!!

      John eeeh! Is that how the thing pained you? Please who friend zoned John and made him so mad? He used to be a good guy ehn…chai! Hahahahahaha!!!

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 11:33 pm

      @Rami yawnnnnnnnn, cliche comment. Do you women all read from the same notebook

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      August 23, 2016 at 11:51 pm

      Dear John (ahhhh, how poignant….), I had a friend who married the spirikoko, tongue-speaking, fresh-out-of school, virginal and upstanding young man who started wooing her in their youth fellowship.

      Then, they happened to both leave the country together. And he happened to discover the ready accessibility to adult movies in the Western world. And he started to cheat with other real life women. And he started to physically and emotionally abuse her (truly, this thing called “freedom” can be more of a curse than a blessing).

      Where in that story did she deserve her own treatment, since she gave up the “rich bad boys” in favor of the good-guy-on-paper? And this is the supreme irony – if she’d truly gone off into the sunset with one Prince Charming from Jand, who landed to sweep her off her feet (she was a pretty girl who had other options) and that marriage detoriated, we would have heard gleeful echoes of this very same statement you’ve made here. “It’s her fault for not choosing that good brother from fellowship”.

      You think being a humble suitor = a great husband? She went with the friend, the “brother”, the let’s-start-together-from-the-bottom suitor. The very unspontaneous gentleman who later became a porn addict turned adulterer turned wife-beater. Although… I have a feeling you may justify his addiction by contending that she wasn’t giving him sex on the regular or just the way he liked it (even though she submitted with every fibre of herself & was willing to go to whatever length he asked to save her marriage – for the sake of the children).

  49. John

    August 23, 2016 at 2:32 pm

    An I hope you have sons that will get emotionally and verbally abused by a woman, .the woman will ruin your sons life both physically and publicly and also get sympathy for it. Oh I forget you wont see you your grand children bcos the woman will take them and also your son will live with you bcos the woman has taken his house and money and enjoying it with her current lover,..this is not a curse but I pray God gives you beta sons

    • Ope

      August 23, 2016 at 11:10 pm

      @john,as for me. I never marry,as a matter of fact,my first relationship was in 2011. My first Ex had anger issues and she hit me twice. Sharply,I blanked and moved on. Stayed off dating till 2013 till I experienced/felt the falling in love thing and all. Dude,I fell in love with the right person that did shitty stuffs. She told me sorry over 14 times. Babe cheated with over 14 dudes that didn’t send her. I was the maga and dumb one. Tried ghosting,shut her out and all. Ignored her calls and didn’t reply her msgs. It was very difficult to see or stand her Hurt. She visited one time,one kofo frost was pinging like a mad dog. She slept leaving his msgs un attended to. I picked her phone and replied the dude. Not knowing she promised the dude she was gonna see hum but she ended up not my mine place. Told dude what’s up and I go make up to am. Asked him what he was doin and the mad man sent two pictured of his tiny dick that was like quarter mine. Mind you,this same chic I dated for thirty months,never saw me cum.never felt like I was missing jack cos the love I had for her was all I needed. After seeing the dick pictures,felt like hitting her while she was asleep,but I couldn’t because every time I looked in her direction no matter how mad u was, I saw an angel,saw the love of my life. Couldn’t muster such negative muscle. Dude,believe it or not,she def wasn’t the most beautiful,paid or sought after chic I had then. But,I fell for her big time. She attended FGGC shagamu,then CU and Masters from UI. She’s also a beadsmith,Eruobho chic. If she asked I jumped,dude I go jump higher than Union Plaza for marina near Fuirst bank Elephant house. Not because I was a dumbo or shitty dude,I just wanted to play the fool and end up happy. Happiness means so much to me and def priceless. I can’t and never be like my G.F and father,I rebuke it IJN. Reason I give my mama the best I can. Def not going to tell you about my dad and I pray you’re not that kinda man to your wife and kids. I fit share the gist soon though.

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 11:36 pm

      Basically,So you had a public toilet as a girlfriend..is that it

    • Mr. Egghead

      August 24, 2016 at 10:52 am

      @Ope
      God just saved you from a lifetime of pain

  50. Dammy

    August 23, 2016 at 3:27 pm

    cant even form my word correctly not because i cant but becos of the abuse i have endured, people dont know that children growing up in Abusive relationship are also abused because they are going through the abuse with you, My brothers and 1 grew up in one and we are still living in it,it causes stagnation in ones life, a lot of confusion etc im a girl and the first born,i love my mum but deep down inside me i resented her,she didnt leave then and she is still in it,she hasnt left now stayed and it has really broken her,made her its terrible,trying to deal wit forgivness and letting go in the suituation is really messy, ,its so sad becos my brothers and i are grown ups,im 31 and i still live with my parents, i have a child out of wedlock ,we all still live in the house,in the abuse, in the darkness.My dad tops it up by being a terrible father,nobody can questiion him and he shouts us down in the house,stayed also to give my mum support as the only girl but i now got into the mess of getting pregnant out of wedlock,now im trying to put my life back together.,having a relationship had obviously been have becos i tend to repel guys away from me, but God has truly been Good to me and any1 that says there is no GOD,i feel really sorry for such a person.

  51. anonymous B

    August 23, 2016 at 4:03 pm

    Am so sorry @John, you are a FOOL and the verdict the BIBLE passes for your type is ”DESTRUCTION”.
    If I knewyou in person, you would probably die as a CASTRATED MONK because no lady will come near you. You sound Abusive which shouldn’t be prevalent in a Man.
    Better experience/ utilize the present ”CHANGE SEASON”.

    Mind you the Narrator @ Adenaron never depited herself as a perfect person. She admitted to certain flaws and has learnt from them to become a better wife, mother & partner which am proud of her for.
    BUT
    in no circumstance should a man beat the mother of his kids. The Bible says in Ephesians that Men should love their wives as Christ Loves US and present holy without blemish.
    So leaving her out in the cold drained in menstrual blood is what Christ will do to us with all our grievous loads of sin we place on Him daily?. what of the SILENCE he dabs at her at every conflict? @John, if God should keep silent on you for a week (you would probably not be here typing not nonsenstical words with your feeble hands).

    The earlier a Man begins to appreciate his good wife the better for him. Becos nwanne if you don’t know it, know it now”He that finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favour from God”.

    @Adenaron, Tough times don’t last but tough people do. I am glad You have done the prerequisite thing for now. I pray God continually shows you His direction according to Isaiah 30:21..

    Hugs.

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 10:38 pm

      The bible also says it is Better to live in a desert than share a house with a quarrelsome wife,Proverbs 21:9 and sorry, the bible calls for your type is to be stoned to death

    • findingatm

      August 24, 2016 at 3:59 am

      Isn’t that why she left her quarrelsome husband? and if the bible quote you quoted truly applies and she is the troublesome woman, why is man refusing to accept the divorce.
      Fact: The lady has said she was not perfect and maybe could have done somethings better. But can you honestly say that the man’s actions here can have any justification, especially since he could have left? What can a woman do to you, that you would all these things to her, or what is the extent to which you can be pushed? I am seriously confused.. Aunty Jazz, if there is truly jazz involved why didn’t the man leave? Why are people talking like this. This woman gains nothing from lying here, and if she did, wouldn’t the repercussions of that be on her. And i’m sure you’ve seen the other people’s stories here, are they all lying. I want to say “God help Nigeria” but i strongly believe that this is will be hard to do since Nigerians have refused to even help Nigerians. Olorun Oba o! Please have mercy. Please heal our hearts; both the abusers and the victims. Heal our families and help us to have hope for a good future. This is so saddening. Jesu.

    • Loki

      August 24, 2016 at 10:34 am

      What’s the matter, John? Why such a low opinion of women? Why are you so bitter against them? Were you hurt? Disappointed? Or you just hate your mother? Nigerian guys generally hate women but you seem to be wallowing deep in it.

    • John

      August 24, 2016 at 1:19 pm

      @loki, i was actually asking the same question about the women bashing the men folks here all the thing on bellanaija..
      who hurt them ?
      Do they hate their fathers that much?
      Dont they have any sons to know that one day other women are going group them all toghther and insult them as nigerian men?

    • John

      August 24, 2016 at 1:22 pm

      @loki, i was actually asking the same question about the women bashing the men folks here all the thing on bellanaija…
      who hurt them ?
      Do they hate their fathers that much?
      Dont they have any sons to know that one day other women are going group them all toghther and insult them as nigerian men?.

  52. Abby

    August 23, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    I am so glad you decided to leave and share your story with us. It is important we share our stories to empower other women who find themselves in this situation and even empower young women to avoid getting into such relationships.

    I have been a victim of an abusive relationship and I understand your pain. You are a strong woman to have endured for 16 years! Mine lasted 3 years and we were in different countries for most of it but that didn’t stop the abuse.

    I kept belittling myself and telling myself I wasn’t good enough. I kept doing everything I could to save my marriage but my best was never enough. The final straw was when I got an STD from him. I came to my senses and against my parents’ wishes, I packed my things and left. Was it hard? Yes. But I wanted different for myself and my son. I saw my mum go through an abusive relationship and she held on to she staying for the kids. I didn’t want that for my life. I wasn’t interested in his type of love. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.

  53. MAN

    August 23, 2016 at 4:49 pm

    No one ever hears the man’s side. He just woke up one day and started bashing you ? You were just on your own and he started abusing you ?

    A vicious cycle that goes on and on. Dig deeper and find out the root cause.. A man should NEVER hit a woman, and women should never provoke their husbands. Most men like me these days won’t even bother hitting you or doing long thing, when the thing don do me, I will present to you divorce papers. Simple. Carry your nagging ass back to your parents house, I would rather become a divorcee than let a useless woman turn me into a wife beater or emotional abuser. Your father and mother should be the one to beat you, not me.

    • nana

      August 23, 2016 at 10:19 pm

      See the way you used “useless” so carelessly when trying to make your point.

      Search yourself Mr Man. You know you’re intolerant. Your comment reeks of it.
      It shall be well with you.

    • John

      August 23, 2016 at 11:44 pm

      What word do you want him to use so as to make you feel better eg beautiful, pretty, strong,bold and beautiful, honey , darling. .abeg which one?

    • aj

      August 23, 2016 at 10:46 pm

      loser!

    • findingatm

      August 24, 2016 at 4:11 am

      Please men, if you find that your house is no longer a home and all efforts in this regard have failed, please do not resort to abuse. it benefits no one. It turns you to an animal really, and would you want your children to behave like this or have those kind of homes? If you are already behaving like this and you are not even married please don’t be in a hurry to marry. Take your time. Put the money in a fixed deposit and sort out your anger issues. I believe that a man should be the head of the home and while this comes with powers etc, it also comes with responsibilities. If your wife is nagging and can’t be a good wife, be a husband, not an animal. and if you can’t be a husband, leave that situation.

  54. Ope

    August 23, 2016 at 11:20 pm

    @john,as for me. I never marry,as a matter of fact,my first relationship was in 2011. My first Ex had anger issues and she hit me twice. Sharply,I blanked and moved on. Stayed off dating till 2013 till I experienced/felt the falling in love thing and all. Dude,I fell in love with the right person that did shitty stuffs. She told me sorry over 14 times. Babe cheated with over 14 dudes that didn’t send her. I was the maga and dumb one. Tried ghosting,shut her out and all. Ignored her calls and didn’t reply her msgs. It was very difficult to see or stand her Hurt. She visited one time,one kofo frost was pinging like a mad dog. She slept leaving his msgs un attended to. I picked her phone and replied the dude. Not knowing she promised the dude she was gonna see hum but she ended up not my mine place. Told dude what’s up and I go make up to am. Asked him what he was doin and the mad man sent two pictured of his tiny dick that was like quarter mine. Mind you,this same chic I dated for thirty months,never saw me cum.never felt like I was missing jack cos the love I had for her was all I needed. After seeing the dick pictures,felt like hitting her while she was asleep,but I couldn’t because every time I looked in her direction no matter how mad u was, I saw an angel,saw the love of my life. Couldn’t muster such negative muscle. Dude,believe it or not,she def wasn’t the most beautiful,paid or sought after chic I had then. But,I fell for her big time. She attended FGGC shagamu,then CU and Masters from UI. She’s also a beadsmith,Eruobho chic. If she asked I jumped,dude I go jump higher than Union Plaza for marina near Fuirst bank Elephant house. Not because I was a dumbo or shitty dude,I just wanted to play the fool and end up happy. Happiness means so much to me and def priceless. I can’t and never be like my G.F and father,I rebuke it IJN. Reason I give my mama the best I can. Def not going to tell you about my dad and I pray you’re not that kinda man to your wife and kids. I fit share the gist soon. The first ppot of soup I cooked,was in pry3. Why? Because I def couldn’t sit in the living room with my dad,but chilled in the kitchen with my mum and maids. Asides the weekend we went foe checkups at our fam hospital,good faith clinic. Where my wonderful docs,Dr Omotayo and Dr Oladejo saved my life on my mum’s bills at the expense of her promotional course at First bank training school,abebe village,iganmu.while my dad was doing my English teacher but dude didn’t even know my class. Abegi

  55. fabdiva

    August 24, 2016 at 12:23 am

    For the doubting Thomases, ” your Truth is not Another persons truth . Be Compassionate!

    Emotional Abuse is the worse kind of Domestic Abuse. It slowly destroys/Damages the Victims. Unfutunatlly. CHILDREN raised in such environment are also victims!

    Your Husband due to his upbringing is a VICTIM and needs HELP. It’s a phycological issue.

    You are a Strong Woman Adeanon. May God be with you Dear.

  56. Jessie

    August 24, 2016 at 5:37 am

    I liken female oppression and gender inequality to slavery, it is a tough fight and we might not get immediate results but it will happen someday,the good thing is that there is a strong movement in Africa now , women know their rights hence we are speaking out more,let us continue pushing, we will get freedom

  57. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 5:43 am

    If you are passionate about women liberation pls follow us on Instagram @riseaboveoppression – share your stories and encourage other women, we are also looking for volunteer therapists that will assist in psychological counselling and a counsellor from every religion , for women that might want spiritual counselling.

  58. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 5:48 am

    A woman once said to me that she was in an abusive marriage and not until she left , did she realize that she was suffering. A lot of women do not even know that they are being abused , they think it is normal because the society will always tell you to endure and continue praying, just like telling slaves during that era not to fight for freedom but to continue as slaves and keep praying for their masters to treat them better.

  59. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 5:51 am

    Women let us help each other , first we need to interprete abuse the way it affects us here in Africa, the way it affects every woman , every tribe in Nigeria, in Africa, every other part of the world where women are being oppressed.

  60. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 5:56 am

    If you have been a victim of abuse , point out the scenarios that lead to abuse, we have physical, psychological, Emotional, E.g if you are living with a partner where you walk constantly on egg shells – red flag , if you have more fights than good times that always leaves you emotional drained# redflag

  61. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 6:08 am

    We need to do more than just commenting on blogs , if we want change, let us work towards it, we need online groups /classes for victims of abuse , you can only get help when you realize that you need help,a lot of women do not know that they are being abused- comments like this have made oppression and unhappiness in marriage so normal
    #marraige is not sweet oooo
    # it is well my sister, just continue praying for him
    # you sef , you are not helping matters, try loose weight small na.
    #Men will be men , they are all polygamous in nature
    # All men dogs that is why that can sleep with anything.
    All these and more don’t make it ok , if you are not ok , it is not ok.

  62. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 6:22 am

    We needonline support groups where you can discuss with people that have faced the same issues e.g most abusers have a psychological problem and they have a pattern, My wife does not respect me syndrome, if you are dealing with this you realize that when these men are asked why , their answers are usually alike, she does not serve me when we get to functions, she ate before me at a function, I had to knock twice before the door was opened, trivial issues like this usually lead to days of malice or even phyical abuse, inferiority complex
    Now how do you identify it from the beginning and stay away from such Men , teach your daughters to stay away
    Most important , the women that marry such men , do they also have a pattern e.g marrying someone that you are better than.
    We need more examples

  63. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 6:41 am

    Another form of abuse is when you are made to feel insignificant and worthless, you are never good enough, for such women they are not being hit by their husbands and in most cases they look comfortable and well taken care of but they are suffering from emotional torture , they are full time housewives , that have given up their entire lives to take care of their homes and make their husbands happy but no matter how hard they try , their efforts always gets belittled, you are constantly trying to make your self attractive to your husband and make him happy that you forget that you are also a human being with brains and a destiny, you are a size 6 but he wants a size 4 , you work so hard that you are exhausted and the more you try , the harder it gets, you spend months with him without any show of affection , he refuses to make love to you for months and somehow he doesn’t say it but you know he is having an affair and he does not make any effort to hide it. The question is this- the man that you spend so much time trying to please , when was the last time he tried to make you smile.. Husbands are not gods and should not be idolized.
    [email protected]

  64. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 6:59 am

    There is no hard and fast rule about dealing with abuse especially psychological and emotional abuse , somepeople will say leave , some will say pray, other will say stay, we don’t have all the answers , if we did , we would not be in this forum commenting at 5am , but we do know one thing, we are seeking for answers, we want to get it right , we want to try to get it right, for some people that think it is over for them, no it is not, if you did not get it right, your daughter can get it right, your sons can get it right. What we are preaching is women empowerment , when you empower yourself you are more attractive to everybody and there is a limit to what rubbish the society can give to you as woman .Some women are bread winners and are empowered financially but are still living in abuse , this is because they have not been empowered mentally and psychological . Women empowerment starts first with the mind and it has to start at an early age , from the time that announcement’ it’s a girl’ has been made. Teach your daughters that impossible is nothing, they can achieve anything they set their minds to do with or without a man.

  65. Nneka

    August 24, 2016 at 7:08 am

    A lot of men misconstrue women empowerment and think we encourage women not be submissive and to leave their marriages but in the real sense we are hoping to build a better future for our children , we want to instil the right values in our kids , they must understand what is acceptable and what is not , that way they stand the chance of enjoying a balanced , stable marriage. The rate of divorce in Nigeria now is alarming, a lot are not divorced but separated and the main victims in the whole saga are the kids involved, sadly marraige in Nigeria is becoming a failed institution , it makes more people sad than happy, how do we rectify this?if not no for the future

  66. Nma

    August 24, 2016 at 10:40 am

    Can we talk? @ adeanon, how do i reach u.

    • Ade

      September 1, 2016 at 6:04 pm

      Hi Nma, please send me your email – you can set up a new one just for this.hugs!

  67. Ope

    August 24, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    @Mr. Egghead,yes he saved me. My heart came up with all sorts of excuses and theories,like “the best can come from the worst”. I believed in her,must have been the kind of movies I watch. Enjoy the rest of the day,Mr. Thanks

  68. Wura Makay

    August 26, 2016 at 10:57 am

    There is no need to answer JOHN. It is well with you o

  69. adeanon

    August 31, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    Hi Anon

    Your story caught my attention because this is exactly how this started. You use your pictures too much on your DP?, Why are you wearing lipstick to work,Why did it take you 45 minutes in Shoprite. Everyone knew they couldn’t just call me. There was a code they would send STT? Safe to talk? And if he wasn’t in/on business trip or whatever I would then say yes. The silent treatment too was just like that. After about 6 months, he would send me an email saying lets end this madness, lets go away to xyz. ticket would be attached. After I hardened up, and wasn’t look sad and gaunt by his treatment, he would then look for ways to make me break. Has your significant other ever placed the radio by your ear all night? When I learnt to fall asleep with it, he would then wake up switch on the lights and shout ole! ole! and laugh hysterically in the middle of the night..
    I shudder to think I was about that life. No more. Like you I wake up and dance to whatever music I choose. Have tea in my bed if I choose. Wear sweatpants and tanktop if I choose and not be accused of wanting to seduce ‘gardener, driver..insert any other madness’

    Thank God for walking away honestly…

  70. Miss

    September 28, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    Adeanon, Courageous woman. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

  71. alwayshappy

    October 5, 2016 at 3:25 am

    Narcissism is real, many men carry the venom, it is a psychological issue and it is a mental health issue. No woman i repeat no women should engage in a relationship with a narcissist , The price is too high my dear, one two buckle your shoe and take steps in the right direction.

  72. gee

    November 11, 2016 at 7:47 pm

    Walking away is easy when you’re hurt. Buh what do you do when you hinge your entire life on someone and he walks out on you? What do you do when despite the hurts and nightmares and sleepless nights, you still love him? how ddo you move on even when you know you two can never be together again?

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