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Delta Big Boy: You Don’t Like these People but Can’t Do Without them

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There’s no point lying about this: at least one point in time especially during your childhood, you disliked your parents and this is for several reasons, but chiefly after they beat you for…

  •  Joining a visitor to eat when invited, even after she had smiled when you looked at her following the invitation.
  • Joining other kids to play outside after school when you have not washed the plates, washed your uniform, cleaned your father’s shirt for work the next day, blended tomatoes with stone and… stone, you get it abi?
  • Fighting with neighbour’s kids
  • Not fighting with neighbour’s kids after they hit you.
  • Sleeping in church or mosque.
  • Taking or receiving something from an elderly person with your left hand; even if you are left handed still use your right hand, it’s in the constitution!!
  • Collecting money from your uncle and/or aunt without disclosing to parents.
  • Daring to ask for the money your uncle or aunt gave your after submitting it to your parents

You get the drift shey? Okay. So we’ve all had moments we hated our parents… wait you don’t? Okay.

Anyways, we (the truthful) have had those moments, but we still know we need(ed) them. Who was going to pay school fees? Who was going to get Christmas clothes? Who was going to buy birthday biscuit and groundnut for the whole neighborhood (with which you’ll use to raise the amount back and give it to them)? Who was going to fight your teacher for flogging you mercilessly or shout on that aunty gbeborun that help them to beat you when they are beating you? Kai.

Today is not about parents, maybe one day we’ll talk about them. But there are some people you hate but find yourself going to them because you need them to survive. Here they are:

Government Agency Secretaries

Think government agency secretaries think Madam Clara Ikemba of Nollywood movie “The Meeting” fame. That role was perfectly played by Rita Dominic. See, there is no exaggeration in that character. Whatever Madam Clara did in that movie there is a real life Madam Clara/Oga Cletus sitting like an emperor/empress in one ministry or parastatal.

Imagine getting into an office to get the necessary stamp so you can present a proposal to your local government chairman and the secretary tells you she has no ink in her pen. You take one out of your pocket and she looks at you like…

Oga na N20 biro I no fit buy?

You don’t need to dance to make them smile, just make your money move and although 10,000 shall fall by your right hand side and 1,000 by your left, nothing shall come nigh thee. Mountains shall fall at the sound from the friction between Azikiwe notes.

These days the legal way to get things done is to follow the back door and the illlegal way is through due process. Have you tried asking for the process to get a new international passport and they look at you like, “Which process? Bring N29,000 for 32 pages and N34,000 for 64 pages and we’ll do it for you. If you want express (same day delivery) add 5k on top”.

And you dare insist on following due process? “Your village people” have just gotten VIP access to a comedy show with you as the laughing stock.

Nigerian Tailors
I imagine at the graduation ceremony of tailors, a veteran walks up to the podium or a sewing machine on its stand and says:

“You have to learn the art of disappointment; not because it’s a good thing, but because it helps to teach humans about life and living, especially in Nigeria. People need to learn that in life, things may no always go as planned, and what better way to learn that if not from experience? You have been chosen as custodians of this lesson, do your best to teach it well.

Never ever reject a job, even if the expected date is unrealistic by all standards. You need to learn to never say no to opportunities. Go ahead, take the job, if it’s not ready by the due date, the client will understand or learn the lesson that things may not always go as planned in life.

You need to be sharp, be swift, be ready to get a job done in one hour, especially because clients will sit down with you most of the time until you finish the job.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to lie on the phone or even when the client is in your shop office. I wish you all the best.”

How the graduating students listen attentively

Tailors never give the exact date your clothes will be ready. Even when you ask for the truth they’ll still lie. We’ve hacked into their system sha. If you need an outfit ready by next month end, tell them beginning of this month, and you may just be lucky to get it a day to your event.

Car Mechanics
The beginning of the end of your car is when you take it to the mechanic and do not know what is wrong with it. Even if it’s just carburettor blockage, they’ll never tell you that is the problem. If not how will they get you to come back? It’s either they fix the current problem and create another one, or they half-fix it and wait for you to come back and when you do, they give you another diagnosis.

They can smile anyhow? Here’s an advice to deal with them. If you can, find out what is wrong with your vehicle before going to their workshop, otherwise dem go open office for your head. These words turn them on “Silas, I don’t know what is wrong with this vehicle oh. Since this week e just Dey make one kind funny sound”. Never, I repeat, never ever do this. You will shed tears!

Market Women
There are different types of market women and maybe one day we’ll talk about them. Generally, there are several skills you need to deal with these women: ability to walk away without looking back, boldness to demand half the price of their initial offering, capacity to feign knowledge of the original price, courage to lie about having only a certain amount in your purse, and many more!

Those people can lie say what is not true! No be me them go catch say I say elders dey lie. They will always tell you their gain is less than 5 or 10% the price they told you. Don’t be tempted to believe. I repeat, do not fall mugu oh.

Generator Repairer
The painful part about these guys is that they’ll NEVER EVER EVER in their entire existence advise you to buy a new generating set. Lai lai! They’ll help you manage the current one until death do you both part. See their favorite lines “Oga, this engine na original oh. Na follow come e be. Them no dey see this type for market again. Na just small money I go recoil the inside and e go be like new one again. Trust me, na me dey tell you this thing.

And after this, the generating set will still develop another fault the next week!

Plumbers and Electricians
The painful thing about these guys is that their long throat is too much! I don’t blame them though, it’s not every day your kitchen sink develops a fault; it’s not every time the wires in the box that switches power source from NEPA PHCN to generating set bridge. So, these guys don’t normally get jobs, and many people can actually fix these things themselves.

But when you need them, you really do. That’s the time they begin to raise shoulders demanding exorbitant amount of money as if it’s your fault Nigeria is out of recession on paper but not in reality.

**

It’s all fun and games until we realise that the culture of excellence is lacking in our country. No one wants to do his/her job with diligence so as to deliver excellent result. It’s now okay and cool to do a shabby job and get away with it afterall the most important job of all – leadership – has been done crappily for decades.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

4 Comments

  1. Omi

    October 27, 2017 at 2:06 pm

    I enjoyed every bit of this. Amazing write-up. One cannot also ignore the many issues Nigerians face on daily basis. Corruption is everywhere and until we individually change our mindset and attitude to work and our relationship with others, we won’t go far eradicating corruption.

  2. AMAA

    October 27, 2017 at 4:44 pm

    It’s funny until you realize that nepotism has eaten deep into the fabric of our society, doing the right thing becomes impossible because of the viral spread of corruption . It’s a stage four cancer incurable cancer . Counting down until the revolution it’s a matter time if Jesus tarries

  3. Ms B

    October 27, 2017 at 8:31 pm

    Almost scrolled past, until I saw the author. Very spot on! And hilarious!

  4. Ranti

    October 28, 2017 at 5:37 am

    Enjoyed every bit of this article!

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