Aunty Bella: Miss. I’m Not Ready, He’s Not Ready…but He is Now Betrothed


Aunty Bella,

I met him sometime in December’14 few days to the completion of my Industrial attachment, we got close and before you say Jack it became official. He was there for me during my trying period when dad was really sick, he would come to the hospital every evening after work to spend time with me.

The new year came, I was off back to school to face the last lap just then the blow of dad’s death hit me. It was really bad but I couldn’t ‎find the one I love to even console/comfort me not even with words not to talk of being present at the whole burial ceremony.

Meanwhile, I am in my twenties and had to face reality with everything around. I was really angry at him couldn’t bring myself to forgive him. We had countless issues most ended in insults and all sorts plus I being a core choleric never made it any easier but we tried to be good.

Fast forward to November, I got back and we met, straightened up everything but here’s the issue, he started ringing the whole marriage bell in my ears I tried countless times to explain and convince him that am not ready (cos I feel I haven’t even discovered myself and I have a few things I intend doing before marriage he says why will a girl who’s through with school refuse marriage) in as much as I know he isn’t ready but due to pressure from his parents being the first born and his clique of friends (they say dey must marry in 2016,hmmmm).

Like play like play, he gave me one week to think about it so I could meet his parents cos they intend going to the villa to get him a wife. I laughed thinking it was a joke. Just then after I gave him myself for the first time, it all happened and they found him a bride.

He opened up to me to still have a rethink so he could stop the process cos both parents have commenced plans. I am so confused… do they still marry brides for people?

The girl in question is well educated, a boss of her own and has a bf yet she’s being forced by her parents? Am I being selfish and over ambitious cos I really do love him? I feel hurt but deep down I feel am doing the right thing cos I know marriage is not a child’s play.

Please help am confused.

Thanks.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Bryan Creely

50 Comments on Aunty Bella: Miss. I’m Not Ready, He’s Not Ready…but He is Now Betrothed
  • Ewa January 21, 2016 at 10:17 am

    All these aunty bella stories… Na wa o

  • HRH January 21, 2016 at 10:19 am

    Honey move on. He doesn’t love you enough. He’s a parent-pleaser.

  • miini January 21, 2016 at 10:28 am

    Ur BOYfriend is exactly that…a BOY. A baby boy sef. He wants what he wants and he wants it now! He has no mind of his own, and if u ever marry him, his friends and parents will always influence ur marriage. I think u sud be glad abt the way things turned out.
    And u sef…U are not ready for marriage and u are worried that such an ungbadun person is leaving u? U sud leap for joy really. Any man dt gives u an ultimatum does not love u or respect u and obviously Mr Bae thinks he is doing you a favour by offering to marry you. Infact I can boldly say that he doesn’t love u, he just wants a wife.
    I think it’s good u know what u want to do with ur life. I think u sud focus on that and build a life that makes u happy. Heartbreaks happen, u will get over it. Let him go, another that loves u will come.

    P.S. Try work on d choleric thingy. I know for a fact that cholerics can be difficult to date/marry. And stop giving men that don’t deserve u d cookie!

  • Chi January 21, 2016 at 10:33 am

    You are not confused.
    You haven’t seen anything yet

    If you don’t want him, watch him disappear into another woman’s arms but don’t come crying to BN with another epistle about how you re 34 and still single. Mtcheeeew

    • Iris January 21, 2016 at 2:27 pm

      You want her to marry someone who is saying ‘Marry me or I will marry this girl who I don’t care about and who doesn’t care about me just to please my parents?’ Methinks she will come back at 34 anyway talking about how she’s divorced. But what am I saying? In Nigeria it is apparently better to marry and divorce than to have not married at all.

    • christabel January 21, 2016 at 3:05 pm

      Hahahahahahahahaha, chil did you just say that? You are very wicked.

  • i”m in love with the puff puff January 21, 2016 at 10:43 am

    ***************DRUMROLL*********************
    Let the comment begin by both the nay and yay sayers….

  • Tosin January 21, 2016 at 10:44 am

    You’re not confused. You’re very clear-eyed about the whole thing. Congratulations.
    Emi la o ni yo si? Emi la o ni yo si?
    Bi a ti fe o ri, bee naa lo ri,
    Emi la o ni yo si.

  • Niola January 21, 2016 at 10:47 am

    I was just going to type’ let him go’ then I decided to wear your shoes for a split second… It can’t be easy for you, too many emotions running through your mind at the moment, one of which is losing your virginity to him, the possibility of losing your bf and of course the loss of your dad amongst other things but darling what i have to say may hurt a lot but you just have to let him go, no one should use marriage as a baiting tool, it should be an agreement between two people besides love alone cannot sustain a marriage .Please get a good job, travel, go to school again and do those other things you have always wanted to do….May God give you a spirit of discernment and strength to do the right thing.

  • Queen Deborah January 21, 2016 at 10:50 am

    No you are not being selfish and over ambitious. He is getting married for all the wrong reasons and trust me you do not want to be in that kind of marriage. Let him go and in the future you will be glad you did.

  • jasmine January 21, 2016 at 10:51 am

    Please let him go. So he’s saying he can’t tell his parents that he has a GF and will bring her home at the right time? Mtchewwww!!! Abeg free the guy. First born my foot. See excuse

  • Great Lady January 21, 2016 at 10:56 am

    Baby Girl Mr boyfriend doesn’t love you, infact I doubt if he has ever loved you. He just took advantage of a young naive girl who was looking for a shoulder to cry on. Do not allow anyone to pressure you into marriage especially when you know you aren’t ready. Focus on developing yourself and being the woman God created you to be. You’ll meet the one who’ll love you, the way God intended and wouldn’t pressure you into anything. Let him go,he’s only looking for an excuse not to marry you. How can he be giving you an ultimatum, like he’s doing you a favour. You’re more than that. Lastly babe, pls don’t regret your life, circumstances happen so we can learn from it.

  • teekay January 21, 2016 at 11:03 am

    as far as i know, someone who is meant for you wont pass you by.. if GOD says he his yours then he his

  • Sonia Paloma January 21, 2016 at 11:04 am

    As much as it will hurt but trust me time heals all
    You do not want to be in a marriage and feel depressed about your decisions. Feeling unhappy and lonely because you did not have the time to pursue your dreams. It is better you pursue what your life plans are than regretting not having done so in future. Learning to know and develop yourself is quite difficult when you are married (not impossible, but challenging). This is the time for you to make mistake and learn from it, grow and develop yourself in different areas. In all just do not lose focus and if he is not on the same page as you, then let him go 🙂
    People get married, face challenges , make mistakes and still grow together. At the end of the day, it all comes down to HAVING SIMILAR GOALS AND WORKING TOWARDS IT.
    Better a failed relationship than a failed marriage *hugs*

  • Jesus’ Brother January 21, 2016 at 11:06 am

    Hey young girl, BE FOCUSED!!!!…..

    Who told you there is only one man for a woman?
    Control your emotion, focus on your future and build yourself… it’s a time-bomb. Whatever God provides don’t come with so much PUSH and HASTE, IT COMES WITH A RELAXED MIND.

    Cheers lady.

  • Wale January 21, 2016 at 11:10 am

    What if I say you should marry him and his parents later asked him to divorce you? He can’t defend you cos he is a people’s pleaser!

  • halima January 21, 2016 at 11:15 am

    Marry him.

    • Ruth January 21, 2016 at 11:42 am

      this right here is just you being wicked. You can also tell some to commit murder.But good thing you no get jazz for mouth.

    • ATL’s finest January 21, 2016 at 2:17 pm

      @ Halima are U for real??? I see miserable written all over this other girl & him if they marry cuz they r both doing it for the wrong reasons so, why will she marry him? Or even put herself in such a suitation?

      • ATL’s finest January 21, 2016 at 2:20 pm

        *Situation*

  • Debby Ags January 21, 2016 at 11:23 am

    As someone who made a similar decision and is now in her 30s unmarried, knowing that she let go of the love of her life forever, I will say this – Marriage is not incompatible with a fulfilling career and all the other things you want to do with your life. If you love him, he loves you, and you have a friendship, then it is worth the risk. If I could change one thing about my life, it would be that decision – I would have married him.

    • nneka January 21, 2016 at 12:04 pm

      Thank you for this good advice. I can never understand why some ladies think you can’t get married and still have a fulfilling career. I’ve been married for over 5 years with 2 lovely kids and I have a successful and satisfying career at the same time and a husband who provides the much needed support I need to combine the cross-functional roles of a wife, a mother and a lawyer.

      Ladies please, as Stephen with a ‘ph’ will advise on Sharing Life Issues with Chaz B on Rhythm Fm, as you pursue your lofty dreams to become all that you want to be and much more, please do not miss your season. This is Africa not Europe or America. The chances of a lady getting married keeps diminishing at a steady rate once she clocks a certain age. I am not saying marriage validates any person or that marriage is a do or die affair, before some people will come for my head. However, if you desire to get married and to have a family, please know that you can successfully combine your desire with a fulfilling career and become the best you can ever be.

      To the lady in question, if you refuse to marry him, he will move on and marry someone else. You are not indispensable. See eh, in life, we are all faced with choices to make. If option A does not work, he will move on to option B. That does not mean that he does not love option A, but he will not ‘come and go and kill himself’ because option A wants to ‘pursue a career first before getting married. If you cannot fit into his timelines, please move on to something else and allow him to find love and happiness somewhere else. Thank you.

      • Bess January 21, 2016 at 1:11 pm

        hi Nneka… not to refute ur words.. But pls Happiness and love doesnt come at ur own timelines or programs!… kindly take that away..that isnt happiness or love, that is clearly SELFISHNESS. THANK YOU… Both Partners were/are selfish.

    • Sweatsie January 21, 2016 at 1:59 pm

      @ debby ags, Key word here “the love of your life”. Reading from this article, dude is not in LoVE with her! Dude does not love her! He just wants to settle down to please his parents. Your situation is different from her situation abeg. Poster, if you marry this guy, be ready to face life long heart ache. *life decisions, it will either make you or break you”. Always pray to God before you make a major life decision. In this case, marriage is one of a major life decision. I’d rather be single and be happy, than be in a miserable marriage!

  • Osy January 21, 2016 at 11:32 am

    Marry him if u can’t afford to loose him or let him be. Another man will come.

  • Chic January 21, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Madam, your boyfriend is a BOY!!! He’s a people-pleaser. Can’t stand for himself and doesn’t know what he wants.

  • @edDREAMZ January 21, 2016 at 11:50 am

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    Well my mum will marry for me but not this type of way though….. Just move on bcos yu took the best decision no doubt…
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  • frannie-beautifulsoul January 21, 2016 at 12:36 pm

    Young lady while its ok to pursue ur dreams, ask urself deep inside what he mean to u. He is also human n under pressure but giving u ultimatum means u may be his preferred choice n he can’t see y u are undecided settling with him. Why would a lady get intimate with a man to the level u have when she is not sure of what she wants. Tomorrow u ll cry of being used n dumped. Unless he is not worth it, u can move on but note that every good thing involves hardworking n sacrifice. U can still pursue ur dreams while married. It all depends on u cos u are not too young though but it all boils down to maturity. If u believe u can’t handle it then good for u but know that the best marriages are between best friends who would be there through thick n thin for each other. Whatever u decide to do, don’t be selfish put urself in his shoes too so u don’t be too harsh judging him cos it always seem easy till we find ourselves wearing the shoes. Here u are saying how hurt u were without him by ur side when u were mourning. Good things no dey finish quite right but there are things we can’t take back like time, word n Opportunity. Its ur call gurl , all the best.

  • Nnenna January 21, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    Do you really love him? Are you certain you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Are you physically, mentally and emotionally ready to be a wife? Would he do almost anything to make you happy?
    If you feel you’re already making the right decision then you really don’t need our advice. Break ups hurt but if he’s not right for you a broken relationship is better than an unhappy marriage.
    Plus, I don’t understand why he would give you an ultimatum biko. is that how we propose these days?

  • Rose January 21, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    My dear you said it yourself, Marriage is not a child’s play hence the need for you to be extremely careful when choosing a partner. Marriage doesn’t mean you won’t fufil your dreams, you but can come to a compromise and decide to get married now and wait a bit before having kids so you can also start a career. I have a friend in Nigeria that had that arrangement and she has done everything she wanted to achieve careerwise and now is expecting her first child. Let me tell you every marriage comes wit baggage, the most important thing is deciding if this individual is whom you trust to deal with all the challenges of marriage with. So ask yourself is he the one for me, and also tell him your goals and see if he is willing to support you. The truth is you will know the answer within you. All this people saying his not man enough and all that long story girllllll please…..the boy is simply ready and willing to settle down ain’t nothing wrong with that. And must importantly prayyyyyyyyyyyy about it. Ask God for direction.

  • Rhonyi January 21, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    I will marry him if I were you. I was faced with this decision two years ago, I was serving our Fatherland at 21 and felt I had not discovered myself. I let him go. He is now married. What I learnt rather late is that a good man will support you to fully explore, discover who you are even in marriage. These days only few men tie down their wives growth because people are becoming more open to the knowledge that women have lives to run outside the kitchen. If your situation can still be salvaged, marry him. I will only say do not marry him if his parents don’t like you. I believe You can still grow to your full potential in marriage. Good luck!

  • Bess January 21, 2016 at 1:05 pm

    hello writer… NO! your boyfriend wasnt bethrothed.
    the lady he wants to marry was recommended to him.

    However, my point is:
    1) that ultimatum he gave you was to ginger you to make up your mind, if u r ready for a next level in ur rlship
    2) You were so comfortable in ur girlfriend zone…u had no futuristic plans for your rlship yet…So y have a boyfriend?? Because you are scared of been alone?? Because you just want to v fun? Because ur peers got boyfrnds, so u too cant dull urself..u must v a man in ur life too?
    Anyways,

    1) Dude loves you but not enough to see the both of you together in the future. probably he too was scared of been alone or maybe Peer Pressure!
    When he didnt show up @ d funeral of your dad, when he didnt show up @ d news of ur dad’s death…You my friend should have taken that as a warning!!.. that was a valid clear signal… if u get married to dis man be rest assured the cares u wud need from him, he will never give to you.
    2) pussy controls lots of men… ur bf in question doesnt even understand wat marriage means and is.. he is just been excited abt the new fish in his life… i assure you after some time in the marriage, when all excitement is on the low…this bf of yours as a married man wud move on with d side flings in his life!!
    3) marriage has lost its integrity.
    4) Allow ur bf go… let him go… the babe he is abt to get married to is a parent pleaser i can assure u..soon the clash will unveil
    5) Feel free to get hurt, its only a matter of time… what u are feeling tho is simply doses of jealousy , thoughts mixed with too much negative, fear of standing alone and been alone..
    6) refer to Nneka’s comment
    7) Be sure u know wat u want this time around n go for it!
    8) what kinda man do u want? A MAN? or A REAL MAN? Ask yourself.

  • halima January 21, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    If you love him, I will say it again. Marry him! All these 30 something year old lonely ladies on bellanaija wish they were the ones getting a marriage proposal hence, they will advise you not to marry him. Marrying him will not stop you from discovering yourself and doing what you want to do.

  • On Your Own January 21, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    All these girls never ceazse to amaze me.

    Everything to you is “what will be will be” ” He doesn’t love you enough” bla bla bla

    See Miss im not ready, If you want him, marry him, if you dont want him, let him go, simple!

  • Larz January 21, 2016 at 3:46 pm

    A man you are having serious prb with, big rnuf prb that he didnt come to your dads funeral offers you marriage just when you moved to closer proximity to him and explore your relationship further. He gave you a week to agree to meet his parents. Or he will choose another. Girl please. Even those who aren’t experiencing issues dont do that to each other.

    And before ppl crucify me. I am married and no matter what the future hold or how many disagreements me and hubby have, I can always be confident in the fact that my husband married me, he choose ME (not an idea of a woman) and I was the first and only choice. You may not always get to the be first person a man proposed to (or even marry self) but shouldnt settle for anything less that being the only girl he was considering at the time. It doesnt mean you marriage will be perfect but at least you have something solid to keep you going

    • Osa January 21, 2016 at 6:00 pm

      Best comment.

      The ultimatum in itself is bad enough. If that were the only problem, and she loved him and was sure he loved her, I would have said “Marry Him” as you don’t wanna be in the ‘current’ shoes of some of here.

      But on top of that, he was not there for you physically, emotionally or in any other regard at your lowest ebb when your father passed on. That alone shows he doesn’t really care. To me, the guy is unstable and has personality issues. Bandwagon sort of guy with no personal values.

      Do you really see yourself spending the rest of your life happily with him?

      If you have an option, pls follow another man, if you are desperate, marry this guy. You are in the best position to take the best decision, based on all these advises aka comments.

      As my Yoruba people will say ‘Alatishe lo mo atishe ara re’

  • Larz January 21, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    Oh and another thing. All girls seeking aunty bella’s advice on whether to marry someone or not. The matter is you shudnt. Becuz if you had to ask, the battle is nearly lost.

  • Laila January 21, 2016 at 4:31 pm

    He is asking you.
    He met you a virgin.
    He knows you waited it out even though you’d been dating for a while.
    The other girl has a bf, i.e. he knows he is not her first.
    I guess he came back cos in today of today, very few men can claim a wife like what you will be to him. There is a level of respect he will always have for you. Regardless of all the reasons for marriage, you guys have something special here. Marriage has no straight manual, it is what you guys eventually make it to be. All of us came from parents we readily defend. So who were the mummys boys, Women wrapper, runs girls, fools, etc of their generation? Most would scream leave him, but ask….for who? not for what, cos whatever that what is, you can have it in marriage but with who? If there is another Mr. Right just how many frogs will you have to ‘sample’ before finding him? And if you find they are all frogs…..??? Will you ‘settle for……?’ pray. Left to me though, I would say marry him. There is something special you guys will always have that not too many people out there can describe for you. Goodluck.

  • ForTheRightsOfMen January 21, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    Ms author, you should be thankful to God that your BF proposed to you; he asked you to be his wife. Whether he is being compelled by his parents or not is a different story for later. Fact is that there many people, whichever part of the world they live in, men or women, will hit the roof with praise to God to be in your position and then support the relationship or marriage with prayers afterwards. But your answer to his proposal was a no, I still want to explore the world. You want to explore kini? He even asked you to have a re-think. Walai! God really loves you and gave you a second chance that he came back to you and asked you to have a rethink. Your answer was still a no. He even said he will refuse to marry “plan B” if only you say yes, and you still said no. Remember, your BF knows that plan B has some tangible professional advantages which you do not yet have (not that you won’t in future), but he was willing to call off the marriage with plan B if only you would say Yes. And you are complaining and saying you are confuse? Na nanny raised you when you a child? You definitely must have been raised by a nanny.

  • Different January 21, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    God! It is so obvious you haven’t discovered yourself. Someone with self esteem will not think twice about leaving this joker. There are guys out there, responsible guys looking for a good woman to adore and you are here letting someone play poker with your emotions. SMH

  • Koffie January 21, 2016 at 6:23 pm

    My issue with this story is that the guy in question wants to marry not just cos of family pressure/expectations but also because he and his clique of friends ‘planned’ to marry in 2016. Everything wrong with him as a permanent husband (partner, leader, whatever your religious or cultural beliefs about marriage allows, lol) lies in that statement.
    Sorry for the loss of your dad love. Why wasn’t he available to comfort you during that period though? Awkward for him? Family taboo to not console bereaved people? Busy? I’ll tell you what, no reason (listed or not) will be good enough. Someone that truly loves puts your feelings into consideration ignoring all the petty reasons he should stay away and would be there because you need him/her. I mean I wouldn’t even do that to my female best friend not to talk of a ‘boo’ whose interest I’m supposedly working to keep and marry. Tah
    At the end of the day, you want a good leader for your home, someone who’s not forming Lagos big boys clique, can take his stand, understands what marriage is and above all, a best friend. The man you described is not half of these things.
    People have said if you leave him, you may end up old and alone yada yada. Whose word do you believe? God’s word for you his princess or the world’s reality? As Christians, our faith makes no logical sense (sorry for assuming you’re a Christian) but that’s why it’s faith. Create your own future with your words, when you read/hear people say you’ll end up old and alone, tell them to ‘Da pada’ for “none shall lack her mate” says the Lord.
    Whew!

  • What is Love January 21, 2016 at 8:07 pm

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

  • Gorgeous January 21, 2016 at 9:25 pm

    I think there are definitely some things that need to be resolved between you two. However forget those that are saying if he loves you he would wait. Well he can love you from a distance and still has his family. People at certain stages want certain things in their life. If you are not there yet, i think it will only be fair to let him know so he can marry plan B. Sit down and really reevaluate this situation and tell yourself some real truths. I am for waiting to get married, however, the loves of our lives comes NOT at the same time. If you really love him and are sure this man loves you, and will do anything for you. If you are sure he is the one to be the father of your kids, go ahead and marry him now. BUT make sure he is the type to support your goals and aspirations and trust me there is nothing that you will not be able to accomplish. Dont mind those that keep saying you have all the time in the world. Trust me, all that time will run so fast by you, and you may not have even accomplished one thing on your list. That is how funny life is. Baby girl, sit and tell yourself the truth. If he is for you, marry him asap. If he is not a good man at all, and we women know when someone is not good for us. Please let him marry plan B.

  • Xxx January 21, 2016 at 10:16 pm

    Where did the bible say the Lord said you shall not lack a mate? God has not promised anyone a mate.

    • Koffie January 22, 2016 at 10:40 am

      New International version (NIV) Isaiah 34:16
      Look in the scroll of the LORD and read: None of these will be missing, not one will lack HER mate. For it is his mouth that has given the order, and his Spirit will gather them together.
      xoxo

    • Koffie January 22, 2016 at 10:41 am

      “Her mate” sef not even “a mate”. Just thought I’d clarify that as well

  • Mabel January 22, 2016 at 1:44 am

    Let’s be real, he abandoned you before when you needed him the most and he is willing to abandon you again. He has shown you who he is, why is it so hard for you to believe him? That is too big of a flaw for me to overlook, because you will need that peace of mind and confidence in him, and deep down you don’t have it, that is why you have doubts about pursuing marriage with him, even when he told you he would call it off if you accepted him, you sent in a letter for help instead, deep down you know you have doubts. There is an old phrase that states, ‘when in doubt, don’t’.

  • ElessarisElendil January 22, 2016 at 4:00 am

    Just thought to chime in how proud I am Men are rarely the ‘Aunty Bella’ writers.

    Two people being forced by parents to get married……………….always a recipe for marital success.

    Seriously, arranged marriages have a less chance of divorce, you both know the ‘rove’ ain’t there, no place to go but up.

  • Omorwummie January 25, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    he just doesn’t love you enough that’s why he can’t be with u. just move on.

  • gwen March 13, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    My dear ppls opinion shld nt count for you, what re his reasons for not showing up, nd for him to still persist to ask u to marry him when his parents already made a choice for him dt guy loves u. The devil u kn is better than the angel u don’t kn.

  • Post a comment