Aunty Bella: Miss. from my Skin to my Soul…I NEED HELP

Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***

Dear Aunty Bella,

I want to seek help and I believe your platform will be the best way I do this. I am battling with myself. For sometime, I really thought that I was happy but I’ve found out that my insecurity is still actively feeding on me, the difference is that I’ve found a way to let it out by being bastardly aggressive to people around me. The other escape route that has been taking me away from reality is an active addiction to lesbian pornography.

I’ve been battling acne since 2014. I went from having the perfect chocolate skin to having the acne infested skin. It was pimples and they ached really badly, so I chose to get treatment at the time but soon, it cured and then turned to black spots and the pimples kept coming back and leaving more spots. Sometimes my face looks bloated. I stopped using the cheap products that promised help because I was not getting help and then the pimple will go and come with a vengeance. My skin feels like dirt and I do all the right things. Avoid oily food. Drink jerrycans of water. Sometimes I go weeks without food, just to see if that undetected thing I am eating will stop causing me pimples and eventually black spots. But no, it hasn’t stopped.

If you see a side by side picture of me before the pimples, you will not believe how much one person can be different people within a lifetime.

I was vey proud of my dark skin and everyone says you can’t clear the spots until you just bleach. If you see my skin, you won’t believe it, how it looks just kills me. I avoid people. I avoid the mirror. I don’t have a proper phone with a camera because what for??? Even though I resist all things that remind me of my insecurity, it does not help. My insecurity is daring me and its getting really bad. It was easy to just feed on things that made me think of a different world and that was how I got invested in watching porn. I was in dare need of a form of escapism but the truth sets in constantly and distracts me even from that world.

I resist people and if they try to get closer, I spit venom. Even people that don’t care have been victims of my aggression, it is like I feed a growing hate for human beings and more deeply, for myself.

I was once at the dermatologist and she said I can start a treatment for a certain amount. I couldn’t afford that, I still can’t. No job, I am a Youth Corp member with 19,800 and that is for food and transportation.

If I go into details about how comments from my own family members helped sink me to this level you won’t believe it. You won’t believe what a mother is capable of telling her daughter, instead of helping her. My father on the other hand is story for another decade…

When I meet people, they can’t hide their disgust. They actually react to my skin. It is not just from family.

I wont sugercoat it, my skin issues has earned me a nasty attitude. It is a form of resistance. It has taught me addiction and I am so ashamed to admit.

The main problem is I’ve never been this mean person. I’ve always had the best smile (I don’t even know when last I offered a smile), I’ve been very encouraging to people in the past, very helpful, very optimistic, but now I am the opposite of all that also, now I can’t even control this venom. I am tired and recently, my life has been taking a drastic turn. I am quite suicidal.

***please you can stop at this point if you can’t understand***

I know there are people with more problems and I am not after public validation. I’ve never cared about who feels that I am pretty or not.
But no, something has changed really badly. I want to feel good about myself. I’ve got a good result which I’ve earned from school. I am very creative or I used to be, I can’t even find that anymore.

There is this tie in my chest.

Anger. Spite. Exhaustion.

Earlier today, I tried something and It made me realize that God did not give me this life to make a decision about when it stops.It is a gift he gave me. What if he sends a deeper punishment because I am not living to his purpose? I’ve read self help books, but I finish them and the problem starts again. I feel a lot of emotions and voices in my head. Is it beyond my skin.

Is this a deeper problem?

I was at a TV audition months back, I travelled 8 hours just to be a part of it and I started thinking, how do I stand before people like this. I left without trying. It kills me, somehow I feel like if my skin was still great, nothing will have stopped me from pulling through that audition. But I’ve not accepted myself, so I thought of the judgement the judges would have of me beyond my talent. And so I burst out crying just like that, excused myself from waiting with other hopefuls and then I never returned.

I am confused. How do I live better. Breathe better and live a life with purpose, I need help.

I need people that can relate to share their story with me. I need advice. I just need your help, please!

Photo Credit: Isaiahlove | Dreamstime.com

Photo for illustrative purposes only